U and Me

There are times when everything seems so dark and dull. It seems as if there is going to be nothing more to look forward to. The path that I am treading seems to suddenly fall off into a deep valley, where no light seems to reach. I reach the ends of despair in such state.

My relationship with U seemed to be heading that way. I was so sad when we said goodbye. I was loathe to give up on a beautiful person. As artistic and as colourful and as cluttered and as unique and as individualistic as your lovely home. A genuinely pure soul, mauled by the experiences that came its way, yet fighing all the time in a state of rebellion, head held high, never allowing oneself a moment of rest. I saw so many unshed tears and I wanted to cry. It was my loss and I thought this would never heal.

I returned to Mumbai, thinking all the time, wondering if things could be different from what I was imagining. Could there be something that was un-explored in our relationship? Why do I have to give up just cause things seemed to be at a status quo?

But the fear of rejection was very high. I had been rejected before. But wait a minute, I think it was not that. My overtures were rejected, not me. So what did U reject. It was the challenge, the “I know it all attitude”, the “let me help you” gesture, the push, the knocking that was rejected. So, my head says, what if you change your own mindset on this. Why is it so important that U should shift to my location and not vice-a-versa? Bingo! That’s a ray of hope. Problem is how will I make it happen. I have been generally unsuccessful in conveying concern and care to people.
I decided to wait and watch for an opportunity. It happened when U decided to visit Mumbai and I took a tentative step forward. And then the miracle happened!

U and I broke ice, when you were in Mumbai last time. Its wonderful! We are just happy to see the layers peel off from each other. As I analyze what happened, I realize that the ice broke when I shifted my location. You know, it happened, literally. I wrote to U that I would meet U wherever you were in Mumbai and in my mind a knot came undone. I decided to meet you physically as well as mentally at your location. I stopped showing the mirror and lo n behold, I saw a new U, joyous and free in spirit, embracing life with open arms! Looking at self and enjoying the reflection.
This experience taught me a lot of things. I got my answer to, “why do people not see my concern and care” , “why do they only see my irritation and anger”? I realized, that while I have been gifted with superb sensitivity in being able to sense and see a whole lot of things – for eg. the other person's feelings and moods, what is wrong and what may be the potential of the person etc. - I have been exceptionally lacking in being able to move to his or her location. Empathy is not having the knowledge of the other person’s emotions, rather it's being able to hold the emotions at the same level as that person. I have achieved that in corporate life by just ignoring the highs and the lows, but not in the personal life. As a result, I am always putting people on defensive, challenging them, prodding them. I have been helping and supporting only in one way. I have, in past always said, " come on you can do it, I am here, come on over.... " The image that comes to my mind here is that of a football player who has to hit a goal. I am the goal post and I see the player as a high potential goal scorer. I don't move one bit and tell him what he needs to do. All the time! My challenge is now to learn to be patient and match the pace of the person. I may give a nudge once in a while and challenge a person, if I see that nothing is happening but then, I will be more patient. So far it has given me great returns. The new image that I would like to create is that of two kites swaying to gentle wind and soaring higher in the sky as the wind blows in different directions with varying speeds.