15 going on 16

15 going on 16….

Life is indeed a circle. In fact I think it’s more like wheels within wheels within wheels. One large circle i.e. the entire life, then comes the circle of education, and then comes the circle of work and so on and so forth. We add so many small and large circles to it. Call it circle or a cycle it’s just that – a non-linear space! I see it as circles because; I feel it’s never really a watertight compartment. Therefore, I see it as a non-linear space. Each of these circles has a life span and pace that is independent of each other, yet dependant on each other. If we consider a) child, b) adolescent, c) adult and d) death as four main stages of life, each of these circles are simultaneously exhibiting various stages. For eg. Theoretically I am and I am seen as (by others) an adult. Yet I feel like an adolescent in my professional life. This concept stared me in face as I was reflecting on what is happening in my professional life at the moment. I am simultaneously an adult and an adolescent and may just enter the toddler stage once again. It’s exciting! This awareness gave me a kind of a kick, you see!

I find myself in an adolescent stage of my career. Almost like what I was when I was 15. At 15, I was full of ideas. I wanted to do everything at the same time. I was willing to do hundred things at a time. It was a time when my parents, family members, friends and almost everybody wanted to know, what I wanted to do with my life. Everybody had a suggestion and an advice. I had so many options and everything looked so attractive. The options ranged from being a lecturer to getting into National School of Drama. It was exciting at the same time confusing. Somewhere down the line I decided to do what my father recommended. I don’t think it was a choice of my heart. It was however the most logical choice and the most dependable option, as it came from my father for whom I had stars in my eyes. So the decision was made and I put my heart into it. I still remember that journalism was my first option. Yet Dad’s option was a more practical one. It was the sunrise industry and I deiced to do Hotel Management. It was a good decision, too! Working in hospitality sector with one of the best employers in that industry, groomed me as a professional – physically and mentally, both. I got international exposure, as well. Neither dad nor I had foreseen the way media has exploded in last 15 years. Had we visualized that, I may have been doing just that today. The reason I wanted to journalism was because it was a logical field of work for my natural talent to write. But the thought then was, it is not going to bring in big bucks and world exposure. In hindsight, seems like such a foolish thought. However, my love for writing did not diminish and I picked up the threads when I started blogging. I was back to my first option, in a way!

The love affair with hospitality business continued for 15 years in various organizations in various roles. It took turns with every new organization that I joined and has seemingly reached a plateau at the moment. I am once again in search of a career that will satisfy my need to make a difference. I am looking for a space that will give me opportunities to write. I am longing for company of people where my cognitive needs are met with. Let’s face it that most of our waking hours is spent at work. Given that, I need intelligent company around me. I am thirsting for personal growth. I was looking forward to personal growth as a 15-year-old girl and am once again looking for personal growth as a 15-year-old professional. I am an adolescent all over again. No difference in my state of being! But there is a big difference in the circumstances. Now, there is not much advice, not many suggestions. Parental support is different. It has changed from “helping our girl decide” to “standing by what my girl decides”. The same people who wanted to know what I wanted to do in life now question me as to “why I am doing this to my life, i.e. playing with fire, risking all that is stable and comfortable etc. etc.?” It’s going to be a seemingly adult decision. Yet I know that it will have all the maturity of an adolescent. Risky business this is and scary too!

It’s risky because it’s not about just changing the organization to get a higher designation and pay packet. I am contemplating changing the field of work, it self. Scary cause I may not succeed and may then have to start all over again, face the music and hear the “I knew this will happen” from people! Success is important to me and I have so far succeeded in whatever I have done. So given the odds, the likelihood is that I shall succeed in the new field as well. Frankly, the decision to make a change is done. It’s only a matter of weighing the highest probability of success between the two options. Having said that, the minute I enter the new field of work, I see myself at a toddler stage. Taking tentative and baby steps as I pick up domain knowledge and club it with my expertise gained from past assignments.

That is why I feel that life is a circle! I find myself coming back to the same stages of life again and again. It enriches my personality. Indeed I grow after each experience.

I am struck by my own capacity to behold many roles all at once. I am grateful for the ability to go through various stages simultaneously with a clear head. Had I not had a clear head, life would have been one hell of a mixer-grinder, I suppose! I am happy that I remain the person that I am while dealing with all these stages of life. While I am dealing with this personal need to grow and change, I am faced with situations at home, within the family and within the work group. I am dealing with these situations holding the roles as a wife, a family member, a daughter, a friend and a Boss. That does not change. No one really makes allowances for me just because I am going through the famous “mid-life crisis”. I don’t make allowances for myself, so why should others? I may choose to see this as professional adolescence, yet fact remains that I am not an adolescent in worldly sense. In the larger scheme of things I am an adult!

I see myself as an eternal learner. Reminds me of David Kolb’s learning cycle.

Every concrete experience leads to a new reflection leading to a new concept, which further takes me to a new situation and back to a new experience. J It’s great to be a child, an adolescent and an adult all at the same time in different spaces.

I think, that this is true of every relationship also. Each relationship is born, goes through the growing up pains (which we so nicely call maturing), then stabilizes and hits a plateau and finally dies when the life of that relationship is over. On the face of it, it looks so simple. Yet it’s the variables involved that make it unique. Life is a complex circle! A beautiful one!

Relationships and my take on it

Relationships: The quest for an answer to successful relationships

The other day I met a friend from school. We were buddies then & used to sit on the same bench in class. 25 years ago we shared everything. We looked at the same boys, together played pranks on teachers, bullied other girls into doing our homework and even got punished together. We used to have a great time then and propelled by that memory I was mighty thrilled to see her. We had drifted when her parents moved house to their native place. So the chance meeting in a crowded market was unexpected yet pleasant surprise. I dragged her to my place and time seemed to have come to a standstill. Memories were fresh and we laughed over the childhood till tears gathered in our eyes. She had changed over the years and so had I. She was back in Mumbai and we promised to stay in touch.

When she left, the smile on my lips lingered on and I engaged myself into the routine of cooking dinner. This is one relationship that I cherish and would love to nurture it. I know also that my efforts will be reciprocated equally. Today it is easier as one is not dependant only on postal services to keep the link. E-mails ki jai ho!

What is it about relationships that some survive and some don’t? What are the key drivers to a continued relationship? Are the key drivers same or different for personal and professional relationships OR are the logic / emotion different in both?

I often hear people say that this relationship was doomed from start as it was forced upon me. If that be true, why do love marriages end up in divorce? It’s a relationship of choice, isn’t it? So does freedom to choose a relationship guarantee the success of it?

Let us first define the concept of a successful relationship. In common parlance a relationship that has continued over many years with seemingly no conflicts is a successful relationship. By this logic my relationship with Seema (friend above) is not such a successful one. We were out of each other’s lives for 25 long years. Yet, I see this relationship as successful. The years just melted between us in the chance meeting. This tells me that success or failure of any relationship is very relative. It is relative to how one chooses to look at it. I feel connected with her and hence rejoice the success of this relationship.

In case of parents, family and boss, one has no choice. These relationships happen. You cannot choose who you will be born to and who will be your family. Similarly, you cannot choose who will be your boss at work. Well, largely you cannot! In some fortunate cases this choice is possible.
In these cases, we make the relationship work. As I look closely at these relationships, I see a pattern emerging. The lead and responsibility of laying a solid foundation to success of these relationships; parent-child, boss-subordinate etc.; rests with the one with positional authority. In each case the fabric of a relationship is decided by the tone that the parent or the boss sets. The balance is set by the one in authority. An authoritarian/autocratic parent or boss can give rise to a rebel or submissive child / sub-ordinate. In contrast a guiding hand that gives space and freedom to each other will see the relationship blossom. The balance will help empower the two thus strengthening the relationship.

As I pause to think about relationships of choice, it strikes me that the balance is equally essential here as well. Amongst any two individuals there is bound to be power play and authority issues. The success of that relationship depends how each one relates to each other’s power and holds his/her own. This thought brings me back to the divorce in a relationship, especially love marriages. It’s often seen that one or both partners give up their own power in early stages of wooing and courting in order to make the other person feel good. As the time goes by it can be stifling for the person or partner to constantly give up his/ her power or to carry the load of the other one who depends on the powerful one. The balance is tilted and hence cannot last. Bust goes the relationship, the pink turns to grey and then an ugly black.

Success of a relationship is dependent largely on the acceptance of the role by both parties at each stage in the relationship. Mistaken role plays and misguided sense of responsibility will lead to an imbalance. Such confusion is often seen in family / peer relationships. These are more difficult to map and are largely based on individual choices. Hence we have some cousins or siblings (or colleagues in professional set-ups) who hit it off with each other, while others simply don’t give each other the time of the day. In my opinion it often boils down to non-acceptance of the other person’s individuality and power.

The concept of Choice in a relationship comes into play in case of contractual relationships i.e. relationships born out of or created for a common objective of growth or betterment to business, society, self. We have here as examples various Business associations, Deals and Marriages. In each of the cases people after intense scrutiny of each other would get together. The understanding of the common objective and each other’s needs are spelt out. Both parties seek clarity till it satisfies them. Subsequently they make an informed choice to go ahead or withdraw. Fact remains that continuity of such relationships is subject to the common objectives being met consistently. Where there are people, there is bound to be interplay of personal dynamics and emotions. So it’s about emotional intelligence of the players on stage!

At times I see every relationship is like a machine and needs constant supply of oil and periodic maintenance to keep it in top performance. What is the oil and maintenance in a relationship? The instant answer that comes to my mind is “Communication”! It keeps the gears meshed up smoothly. Communication of needs and objectives and a review of these from time to time is essential. Gears either mesh up too tightly or un-mesh forcefully when this grease is missing. In extreme cases the teeth are bared and broken. It is not easy to replace gears especially when one wears out the other.

Time and tide waits for no man(woman either!). Same applies to an interpersonal relationship too. Best friends of school have at times little to say to each other only because they have not met for years. They drift apart, develop new interests and find nothing in common after school. In contrast, some of us meet after years and yet connect deeply almost as if time stood still and took off from where we met. Spending ample time with each other does not guarantee you the success of a relationship and lack of it does not lead to it withering away.

However, making time for each other especially when a relationship begins is helpful. This is especially true in marriages. I would take this thought further in saying that it’s equally important to give time for a relationship to bloom. Just being together for two hours a day is not a quick fix for strong relationship. Your relationship to your spouse, team or even something as inanimate as your stock needs time to find its feet, stabilize and then bloom. Every moment dedicated to the relationship is the investment in it and it gives itself a manifold return over time. What is the qualifying factor here? Is it the amount of time that one spends with each other or the kind of time? Popular terminology for this is quality time. Today around us we find so many dysfunctional families or dissatisfied consumers. What is the reason? As I look closer, I see that though it’s a relationship of choice, there is very little or no time given to the defined relationship. One can’t expect wine when grapes are neither crushed nor set aside to mature, right? Little wonder then that most marriages in my generation are the weekend marriages of convenience. They are strained and generally break sooner or later.

As I dig deeper, I am becoming aware and just about coming to grip with the phenomenon of social net-working sites. What about a distant fellow sitting in remote location attracts the net buffs? I see my friends chatting away to someone remote on a laptop, but when it comes to having a two-minute conversation with parents or spouse, they have nothing to say. Relationships of convenience! She keeps my house so I need my wife, he gives me a feeling of security so I need a husband, they are there for my child so I need my parents…. So on and so forth! Where is the connect? When one connects to the live persons next to him/her there is a whole lot of dynamics that come into play. That sure can become difficult and too hot to handle. So what do I do…. Turn to the social networking sites! It’s so easy, one does not have to deal with real time emotions and feelings. Safe zone!

Many a people have wandered afar in quest to find answers about relationships and people. This is my small little take on the subject. There is so much more to write. Perhaps later!

Unconscious Processes

Consciously speaking! ….on the Unconscious

I have been ruminating on various aspects of Unconscious processes for last few days.

The process of exploring the unconscious began with certain observations. My study group discussed what unconscious means to each one of us. The answers varied from “the unawares behaviour” to “gut feeling” to “instinct or intuition” to “something that is underlying to the existential” to “a given process that is unconscious till one is aware of it and is willing to explore”. Interesting mix of expressions! Here, as I write, it strikes me that the meaning is expressed in terms of personal unconscious and nothing that talks about unconscious group processes.

I was introduced to the concept of unconscious processes sometime in December 2007, when I had attended a session on dreams. This covered one aspect of unconscious. Dreams, in my opinion, are expressions of an individual in his/her most fluid state. Dreams happen when one is not physically in a state to analyze i.e.is not fully conscious and is not processing data. The thinking and functioning brain is asleep and the sub-conscious surfaces. I am not too fond of dreams, as I tend to wake up feeling restless the next day. I have tried to note down my dreams and re-visit them to explore deeper to find meaning in it. However the attempts have not added to my learning, so far. In fact, I dream when I have upset stomach and the dreams are often a weird ride through my past and present, consisting of many people and locations. With exception of three dreams, that I remember vividly, there is nothing to look forward to. The ones that I do remember are noted in my memory with dates and details. I see the same dream like a motion picture time and again. The space and location that I am in, in the dream gives me a sense of calm and space. I have noted that I often visit these dream locations when I have met with success or on completion of complicated tasks. So, if I were to interpret it, I would say that this particular location might be my personal haven, a place to retreat and relax, a place that gives me peace.

Two of my close friends have recently shared their experiences of unconscious processes with me. I received both these experiences differently. In one of the cases I felt myself traveling along with my friend on his journey into the unconscious and felt a sense of homecoming when he concluded.

On the other hand, the second narration brought goose bumps to my arms. I felt awed by the magnitude of the experience. I feel that such experiences are possible when one is deeply connected with self and the other. I was also reminded of a similar experience that my mother had shared with me. In both cases, there was transition from one life to another. A stage, I believe where energy is transformed and hence is at a peak in its active performance. The experience hence, seems ethereal. This takes me to my favorite belief that energies of the universe are here to guide me and hold me. It depends on my willingness to be guided and my capacity to hold, how much of this energy is experienced by me. It also leads me to a conclusion that IT(energy) exists, whether it is seen and experienced by me/us or not.

Coming back to the exploration, I was asked, “Why do you want to look at the unconscious?” I realized that it was the mystery and aura surrounding the word that had drawn me to explore. I have often heard PDP and professional members say that there is something unconscious happening here. But, they have rarely explained what they mean by it. In absence of exploration/understanding/explanation, I am inclined to think that this word and expression is being used as some kind of a process for scoring a point over the other/s.

I feel that there are two aspects of unconscious. One is the unconscious of the person. That, which is unknown and is yet to surface within a person! The journey from unconscious to awareness is when the person becomes more and more of his own self.

Second aspect is that of some unconscious processes happening within a group. For example, in a lab nearing the closure invariably someone talks about a death and the group shares experiences around the same topic. Someone attempting to explain what the meaning of unconscious processes is, quoted the above example to me. There might be several such instances of unconscious processes happening within a lab, a family, a society and a group of people. Like in a family expecting a baby, everyone is tuned in to the needs of a pregnant mother, spoken or unspoken.

Freud and Jung are two names that I have heard in conjunction with the concept of unconscious. So I hit the net to find data on unconscious. There are books and more books & papers written on the subject. Interestingly, most of the reading material refers to unconscious of a person. Almost all the reading material refers to the work done by Freud and later by Jung. There is little or no reference to the unconscious processes in T-groups. The reading material describes such processes at most as collective behaviours exhibited by groups. These are often reported back as observations on group behaviour, which becomes a trigger for personal exploration.

Hence, I am left with a thought that when someone says that there is unconscious at play, they are actually referring to their own unsettled, unaware state of mind.

Basic Instincts

Basic Instincts of a professional

We have all heard about basic instincts of mankind. These are unlearned responses to external stimuli. I am struck by some responses that are specific to the corporate world and are picked up by almost all professionals within first few days. We are so tuned in to these responses that we do not realize how and when we learnt them. These reflexes are instinctive and essential for corporate survival. I have decided to call them the basic instincts of a professional in the corporate world. These instincts lead to certain individual and collective behaviours. I have attempted to document these two aspects impacting professionals like us, in the following paragraphs.

Knowing the power centers – Now does that ring a bell for you? I am sure each one of you has either benefited or lost out due to knowing or not knowing who pushes the button! I believe that a smart professional will instinctively know where the power lies. S/he aligns with the power centers and seals own careers for better or for worse. You would agree I believe that designated authorities may or may not be the power centers. I have often seen the outsiders influencing the ones in authority. These influencing persons are the real power centers and they can make or break a career. In some cases you see the power vested very constructively. Case in point is the powerful chief mentor of Infosys. He has vested his team with the obvious areas of power. Yet he continues to hold the power and moves things at the Infy campus. Sadly, we have very few enlightened ones like him. Most often it is seen that vanity of the man takes away the construct from the power that he holds. It spawns a bevy of below average performers who believe that fawning over the power center will get them results. This, unfortunately, is the vicious circle. One creates the other and neither can exist without the other.

Aligning with the opinion makers – Often the instinct of those who have no opinion. Sometimes it is also the trait of the ones who are small fish and new entrants to the system. Successful leaders instinctively use the opinion makers to bring in change. It has the best of results in most cases unless there is a Mamta making opinions about a Nano! She did not even realize that the power that she was attempting to break would render her powerless. I know, I am digressing here and this is not strictly a corporate example. Nevertheless, I am sure you get the point here. Stay on the right side, if you have no opinion left!

Creating a pressure bank – This is a reaction to unattainable dictates of the management. It is a mass instinct and pressure builds simply by word of mouth. It is often, merely a perception of something that leads to pressure banks within the system.

Flocking – Birds of a feather flock together! Need I say more? Each one of us has been through the phenomenon.

Ignorance is Bliss – This is seen in most people who do not want to make decisions or take a call and close issues. Reasons are numerous. They may be poor decision makers. They may not feel good about something. They may not have necessary authority. They may be hesitant about the facts presented to them. Whatever, the reason such people generally procrastinate decision-making and refuse to acknowledge facts of a situation. They tend to shut their eyes and assume that a situation will resolve itself. In manpower related issues this can be extremely helpful to deal with insignificant inter-personal skirmishes. But it will prove to be extremely dangerous, if one does not recognize to separate the casual from significant.

“I am a Cat” Syndrome – This is typically seen in people with extreme confidence or complete stupidity of mind. They are engaged in activities that are being observed by all. But our man is either a bit over-confident due to proximity to power centers or un-aware as he thinks that he is working in secrecy. He has not disclosed to anyone what he is doing. Typically a cat that eats the cream with his eyes shut and believes that no one can see him.

Woodpecker strategy – People with these instincts keep working at the same thing with same pace for many years. They carve a niche for themselves out of sheer persistence and un-interrupted application.

Random Thoughts on Authority

Talking of authority, I am questioning myself, who am I to talk about it. A new entrant into the vast field of Behavioural Science and Sensitivity training! But then, who am I not to talk about it. After all I have been experiencing it in many ways for more than 30 odd years.

When I was born, I exerted my power on the family, simply by being the first child in the family. Even today, I am subjected to tales of how I wielded my power over the family. They danced attendance to me, took care of my sleeping times and fed me before anyone else in the family, laughed when I laughed and cried when I cried. What kind of power and authority is this? It’s unstated and exists in every family. All babies are born with such power. The power of innocence!

This innocence gave way to manipulations and games as I grew up. I started becoming aware of the concept called authority and the tool called power. I do not claim that I understand what authority and power is all about, yet I have seen how the two can make or break a person or a system or community.

I am inclined to believe that authority is associated with decision makers and vice-a-versa. Be it family, society or professional set-up. Decision-making is based on knowledge and experience. Decision-making happens when a person is willing to take responsibility and face consequences. As a result, accountability comes with authority.

It’s interesting for me to hence, look at various aspects of authority and my behaviour in different situations.

Me in relation to authority figures: How does authority and power affect me? What is the variety of reactions that I go through? When am I comfortable with authority figures? What about authority figures puts me off? Under what circumstances do I rebel or hide from authority figures? So many questions!

Today, I often find myself comfortable in presence of authority figures. I am neither under pressure nor indifferent to authority. Persons in authority inspire me. I remember being starry eyed about one of my ex-bosses for a long time and to some extent I hero-worship him even today. He was everything I aspired to be. He was charismatic, charming, knowledgeable, passionate about his work and ambitious.

In complete contrast, I have seen leaders who are dictatorial. They are often rude when they address their followers. I have deliberately used the word followers here, as they never seem to have colleagues, peers, friends or allies. I find myself running in the opposite direction from them as fast as I can. In my experience, Fear and Disgust are two strong emotions attached to such personalities.

I am fairly free in making a point or stating my opinion in presence of authority. At the same time, I have also experienced that I tend to avoid head-on confrontation with authority. As I explore deeper, I realize that I avoid confrontation in most circumstances. It seems pointless when the other person, is not in a frame of mind to listen or even acknowledge any other point of view. And when it comes to authority figures, I give up and walk away. One may debate on this and call it escapism. However, it seems to be prudent and time and effort saving to me.

In relation to confrontation with authority I have never been through a question of how can I confront? It’s always been a case of do I want to? Whenever, it comes to protecting my own authority and power, I tend to be very alert. Then I may fight tooth and nail to save my self-respect.

Does this mean that I always walk away from confrontation? Not really, I remember instances when I have engaged in public showdowns with my bosses or teachers. It happened when I was much younger and far more passionate and rigid in my outlook to life in general. Over the years, I find myself being more tolerant of being told what to do. It takes off the pressure and I can better utilize my resources.

Me as an Authority figure: How do I exert my authority? What impact do I have on my team, peers, and family when I exert my authority? How do I ensure that my authority and power does not make my team dysfunctional? How do I ensure that, in caring for my team I do not give away my authority rendering me ineffective as a team leader? Questions again!

I am fairly authoritarian in the matters that hold me responsible for the final outcome. I take an aggressive stance in ways of operating at work. Over the years, my approach has mellowed. I tend to listen to ideas more patiently. I am a firm advocate of hands-off delegation. At times this leads to situations where we do not deliver on time. In such cases, I feel disappointed with self and often tend to feel responsible for not having seen it coming.

Co-existence is a value that I uphold and practice. It translates in the way I handle my teams. It is a tricky balance however to care for the team while ensuring high performances. Its about building self-motivated teams, empowered enough to make own decisions, within the prescribed format. I find this situation very funny, most of the times. The idea is to give as much freedom as possible to the member of the team yet I restrict them in certain boundaries of processes and authority limits. These limits are largely financial in nature and essential.

The theme of co-existence is even more tricky in the competitive world, where my peers carry the “either you or me” attitude. At such times, I sing a lonely song of “u and me”! In such cases I tend to seek different grounds to operate from.

All this is seen from my window. I wonder how it looks from the others’ window? I am increasingly becoming aware that I need to seek feedback on self from peers, subordinates and superiors.

Power dynamics in the family and social circle: For some strange reason I have always associated authority with professional set-up. As I ponder about the power dynamics in family and social set-ups, I see financial status as a measure of authority. It’s a fact that the financially strong members of the family or society tend to have more authority and power as compared to the financially challenged members. I experienced this soon after my graduation. My brother started his career with a four-figure salary and the family consulted him in every matter. I was studying at that point and my opinions had no value. But in my second year, I started training with a four-figure stipend. Lo and behold, I found myself being consulted in all matters. I think this was all about the authority and power of money. My opinions and suggestions were no different from before!

In family, authority comes with age. The senior members are supposed be authority cause they have more years over the younger ones. Never mind if the senior is clueless about the world outside since his voluntary retirement about 15 years back.

In my family, power to decide and authority to action, rests with those who have proven their competence or are perceived to have the competence to deal with that particular situation. This suits me the best.

Amongst friends, I find myself oscillating from being a complete authority on something to being a happy adventurer exploring new horizons under someone. This is one set of people where there is no power struggle, no one-upmanship and no ambiguity on authority.

I wonder how many other aspects of authority is one exposed to. There is authority of role-holders, positional power, authority of a situational leader, authority coming from knowledge and experience and so on and so forth.

In conclusion I have only one thought, it’s all in the mind! I am as much an authority as I feel and have as much power as I am willing to experience.