The Art of Hosting

My association with hosting people for lunch and dinner goes back to my childhood when my parents would host their friends and relatives at our place. As I grew up I acquired the traits of being a host from the two of them. My husband and I have a fairly large social circle. We both are foodies. We have friends who enjoy food as much as we do. Naturally, the fall out is getting together to enjoy great food in great company. We enjoy hosting at our place. We enjoy being guests as well. It gives us opportunity to smaple different types of food and beverages. And boy have we been to different types of functions! Some memorable, some lip smacking (a Parsi Lagan nu Bhonu will qualify tops for this one), some unforgettable and some immensely forgettable!

One of the most memorable functions that we attended was a traditional wedding lunch. The food was to be served in a “pangat”. This is typically a set-up where the table is laid for a traditional meal and food is served to the guests by a bevy of stewards known as “wadhapi” in Marathi. The table would seat at least 20 people in one row. Another 20 facing them and 20 back to back and so on! 

The fare in these meals would be a set menu. Batata bhaji, Alu chi patal bhaji, Varan-Bhaat-limbu, Masale bhaat with clarified desi ghee(clarified butter), Chutney, bhajji/vade/pakoda and kakadichi koshimbir would be standard. The variation would be in the koshimbir where cucumber would be replaced by tomato. The desserts would vary from Shrikhand to Aamras to Jilebi. The bread would be most likely Puri unless in the recent health conscious scenario it gets replaced by chapatti or phulka. The meal would conclude with a mattha - butter milk variation that is tangy, spicy and sweet, a fitting coolant and digestive to the heavy meal. This is followed by a “Vida” made from beetle leaf stuffed with dry coconut, poppy seeds, beetlenut powder and sweeteners. All this is to be wrapped like a packet in the leaf and is fastened with a clove. The most interesting part of this meal is the warmth and the affection with which the caterer would serve and encourage the guests to eat. He would insist would on serving at least one more jilebi or a dollop of shrikhand. Mind you this would have nothing to do with the cash register as his client (your real host) would have already paid up for X number of guests. The caterer is the host who prides himself in being a master at his craft of dishing out extremely tasty stuff and enjoys feeding people.

The other spectrum of the good food is the gourmet dinners that are served in the banquet halls or restaurants of five star hotels. Food is prepared with great care and pride. The emphasis is on turning out an exotic fair from hors d'œuvre (classic starters) of caviars and cheeses to finishing it with the Desserts of exotic baked and tossed variety. The starters would be served with cocktails. The cocktails would be usually served in the large foyers of the main dining room. A smart Maitre de host (senior captain) would then clink the crystal and announce the dinner by opening the doors to the dining room. Stewards in starched uniforms with tail coats and absolutely white aprons would usher the guests to the table with a benign smile.

The ceremony of devouring food would begin with a soup accompanied by breads of various kinds. These meals include entrée dishes of meats and typically the entrée course extends over three meats - seafood, white meat and red meat. The type of dish is carefully chosen keeping in mind that there is no overlap in the taste that the gourmet enjoys with each course. The master chef would never repeat a sauce or a garnish in a single meal. Each Entrée would be accompanied by a carefully selected wine. The courses would be interspersed with salad depending on what the master chef has planned. Often the salads are a clever trick to buy oneself time to prepare and present the next course of entrée. The reason is to keep the freshness of the meat and sauce. The heavy meat dishes are followed by pasta and vegetable dishes. The meal tends to draw to an end with parfaits (flavoured ice) and mousses. The finale is usually a flamboyant display of desserts cooked a-la-minute. The most favourite here is the classic Crepe Suzette!

Kaustubh and I have been guests at one such lavish dinner and enjoyed the pomp and the show thoroughly. In fact the meal was a 2 and half hour affair with a spectacular dance show thrown in. Thankfully the portions were small and meal was slow with plenty of time between courses allowing us to enjoy the company of those at our table. We were uncomfortable when the dinner ceremony commenced, feeling slightly out of place for that gala dinner, being the youngest couple on the cruise and also not as affluent as the senior members of the entourage. Yet the superb meal and thoroughly enjoyable company of the other two couples at our table has made the experience unforgettable.

In contrast we have also, been subjected to thoroughly forgettable meals. Sometimes these have been social events like weddings and thread-ceremonies. The fare has been a complete hotch-potch of everything . One such menu had mocktails as welcome drinks, farsan and pau bhaji for starters, masale bhaat and veg makhanwala for  main course, bhel and pani puri on the side, hakka noodles and veg -au-gratin for seconds and finally vanilla ice-cream with aamras for dessert! We have since then avoided all events at this particular location catered by a thoroughly confused chef.

I wonder, what kind of planning (if at all) people get into when they host meals? Kau and I often plan the menu ahead of the party. First of all, we enjoy cooking and like to serve from our kitchen. I mean, what is the point of calling someone to your place and then serving them packed food from restaurants? I have nothing against ordering out, but then why not go to the restaurant and save you the messy clean-up after the party. Yes, we do order out for stuff like chapattis or pick an ice-cream or a mayonnaise off the shelf. But that’s where we draw the line. In fact, even when we serve ice-creams we like to do something with it and serve. Sometimes, it’s with fruits, sometimes sandwiched and so on. We generally try out whatever we want to serve in advance and especially, if it is catered out.

When hosting at your residence, its best kept small. Invite only if you feel like hosting. We have been to events where the host is obviously inviting the bunch of suckers out of some compulsion. What would compel them, I do not know! But the fact that the host disappears for personal work while we are left to do the ordering from a close by takeaway tells me to think twice before being conned into a meal experience the next time. Aisa bhi hota hai! The great part of this is that, we order what we want and are not subject to awful selection like what I have narrated above.

Then there are many others who make great hosts. We have had some delicious meals in company of likeminded friends. We have been floored by the sincere efforts put in by the lady of the house with ample support from the spouse. Floored because it’s so difficult to make time to put together a meal in hectic Mumbai life where both husband and wife are working. The meals have been simple day to day fare, well cooked and served lovingly.

So there are meals and melas! We have been to many and guess we will continue to experience and experiment. We make great meals most of the times but also goof up sometimes. Like when we served ourselves and an unsuspecting friend some awful parathas packed from a takeaway. Saving grace was the fact  that we had eggs and bread in house and finished the meal with lots of ice-cream. Whether we are hosts or guests is immaterial, one thing is sure every meal brings a lot of  adventure and fun.

  

Love - the basic emotion

A stray comment by one of my friends on my Facebook status triggered a thought on various meanings and concepts that surround the word love. I had written on the wall that I was feeling loved and young. To this one of the comments alluded that my husband was taking good care of me. There were others that were equally tongue in cheek and harbored around romance with the spouse. It leads me to conclude that mostly the top of the mind association of love is to a spouse/partner. I felt the romantic in my friends awaken. Some called and some wrote to me, but one thing was sure, I had touched a chord in some more hearts around me.  Everyone wanted a piece of that feeling. 

In reality, this feeling emerged from having had a wonderful time with a bunch of friends! I continue to feel the warmth and the love even two days after our sojourn. 

I have experienced love in many forms, many times! Sometimes as a receiver, sometimes as a giver, sometimes as a witness, sometimes in the flow of being and sometimes in loss. The first memory of love that I have is my grandfather sitting forward with his cheek almost flush to the ground, looking at me unblinkingly and waiting for me to wake up. He was visiting us in Gujarat and was meeting me after a separation of 15 months. They reached our place in the middle of the night. I was a baby and sleeping soundly. Mom told me later that he was sitting in one position for almost 6 hours for me to wake up and look at him. I do remember leaping with joy and hugging him as soon as I saw him. 

Recently, I experienced such love with my niece. She is so unpretentious and so completely trusting. I am just the same with her. We have a great time together and I look forward to being with her more oftten. In her playfulness I revisit the child in me. 

Both the memories above are linked to childhood. So is this form of love most valuable to me? The love that stems from innocence and is complete in its sharing may be the form of love that I cherish the most. 

My first independent facilitation attempt

So, I have not been writing in this space for a while now! So what? There was nothing inspiring enough to write for a while. But then, its not only this space but many others that I use for expressing and being creative.

I painted with crayons after so long and had a blast doing that.

I wrote for "Urja" - house magazine of GMPL

I wrote the book reviews for PDP.

I wrote letters to friends after ages.

The wonderful world of words and the gift of writing... :) I enjoy writing and sharing.

But coming to the point and talking about the subject, there is another superb experience that I want to write about. Its about the role play that I facilitated for a group in Worli. This was my first independent experience at facilitation. The group consisted of the residents of Mnagar and SNS team. 12 of us. Some more joined in later. When I started the session, it looked like there was nothing right about it. The keys to Akanksha office were not available. The october sky was overcast and raindrops hit us within 5 minutes of the group coming together. I had almost decided to wind up but did not, simply because of the group's enthusiasm. So I narrated the roleplay to the group in Hindi and gained confidence along the way. As if in support, the keys to the office were delivered to us and the sky cleared!

I was looking forward to what would unfold and expected the group to enact for about 15 minutes. The group was divided in 2 groups amidst much of nominations and happy banter. Once i narrated to them what they were expected to do, I saw the seriousness of the group. I was struck by the intensity with which the group was impacted. They identified so completely with the role play! Slowly the act took shape. The group stumbled upon the impromptu dialogues and the googly of situations. Neither group new what the other had planned and what emerged was a real-life situation with real emotions and dialogues. I was speechless as the group got involved and the role play continued for 40 minutes. After 30 minutes or so, I decided to pull down the curtains and asked the group to close the negotiation. We wound up the situation with a fairly satisfactory situation.

We sat for a de-brief in a large circle. Almost everyone started talking at once. Gradually the chatter stopped and some members, who seemed to be leading the group took over. However the feedback was personal in nature. At this point I intervened and guided the group through a constructive feedback process. I asked them questions that were related to the process, planning, impact, action and reaction during the role-play. One of the "aha!" moments came when the group discovered that they had not planned who they will talk to in the opposite party. This, they realized was a reality for them, leading to issues in resolving current issues about SRA. There were other such moments in the de-brief making the session very "powerful"! And that's the feeling that I am left with. I feel powerful, for having made a successful intervention. I feel powerful for having made a difference. I feel powerful for making the contribution to an activist group. I feel powerful! and humbled by the success...

Tarang 2008* : Event-logue

It’s the morning after the event and I am in a state of complete euphoria! This event has been special in many ways. This was my first event at regional level. The warmth and the closeness shared by the community have left a lasting impression on me.

The morning of 28th dawned with an extra dose of excitement. I was all set and excited to go for the ISABS event. The day started with a slow pace and I found myself waiting for it to be 3pm. I was supposed to wind up my tasks for the day by 2.30pm and leave for Karjat. Amidst the routine hustle bustle of the office and last minute meetings and typical, “meet me before you go… we have important things to plan”, I was delayed and almost did not make it for the 3pm Karjat local. When my colleague pointed out that it was 2.40pm already, I panicked. I picked up my heavy backpack and dashed out of office, ignoring the questions coming my way. Thankfully Mumbai CST is just a five-minute walk from my office. The ticket window was not so crowded and I got my ticket within two minutes and boarded the train as it was crawling out of the station. As I looked out of the window, I felt like a kid going on the much-awaited holiday. The train picked up speed and so did my anxiety and anticipation.

In between a sandwich, a bit of reading, some music and mostly dozing, I finally reached Karjat. As I arrived at the resort, I saw members of the group coming in. I was happy to see the known people. There were some unknown faces as well. However, I seemed to know instinctively that we were a part of the same event.

This event was special for me as this was my first exposure to the other side of the event. This was my entry into the mysterious group of facilitators! Joining me were Sanjay and Vidyut. We were invited to join the staff meeting that evening! Amongst the various roles, I decided to volunteer for communications and Vidyut joined me. Other than that Sankar and I made up the party team. The professional members took up all the other roles voluntarily.

This event was special as we had Sankar and Bilol returning to the chapter after a long time. The chapter was that much more enriched by the presence of the senior members of the community. Bilol was energy personified through the event. As we laughed and doubled over, we wondered whether that the stop button had gone missing here! Sushma, Vignesh, Shridhar and Vikram brought in their own experience, wit and humour to the event. Joining them were Rachna and Rahul as interns. Sanjay, Vidyut and I were doing our Observation Lab.

This time, the community had about 38 participants and 11 staff members. This comprised 3 BLHPs (Basic Laboratory on Human Processes) and 1 ALHP (Advance Laboratory on Human Processes). Vikram and Rachna had teamed up for BLHP1, Sankar and Rahul with me as observer for BLHP 2, Bilol and Shridhar with Vidyut as observer and Sushma and Vignesh with Sanjay as observer for ALHP.

Day 1 started, as usual with an opening community session. Bilol, Vignesh and Vidyut welcomed the participants and set the tone for the next 5 days. We met with the members of the community, seeking our space, reflecting upon our location and feelings. Later Vikram addressed the community and groups were announced. At 11am on first day the small group work started in individual groups.

I joined my group and began “The observation”. In my professional life, I have been exposed to observation tasks and I had presumed that this was going to be a cakewalk. Little did I know that these 5 days would prove to be the most challenging ones.

Day 2 started with small group work. I had been receiving a huge amount of data and my awareness of self and group had peaked by the end of the previous evening. I overheard the participants discussing that no one had much to talk during the day and felt even more miserable that I had so much to say to the members of the group but no means of expression. I guess that’s why I had started my day with graffiti! Soon I saw the board filling up! Some of the interesting ones stayed in my mind – “Rest of your life begins now…” “I plan to live for ever or die in the attempt”, “What’s for Lunch? – Bheja Fry!” Interestingly, the last one was on third day.

Day 3 concluded with the mid-community session. Sushma, Sanjay and Vikram welcomed the community with soft music and mood lighting. Sushma’s soothing tone almost put me to sleep. I sailed through the community feeling happy that I was talking to the members of the group. The silences in my life were temporarily interrupted! The session concluded by non-verbal expressions of the values that were most alive for the groups. The group members depicted these values by making various formations. By this time the tentativeness of the first community session had dissolved. I saw some holding hands, others sitting close to each other, many talking and expressing for a long time, some groups connected in the formations they got into. The community hall seemed to be filled with emotions and expressions of all kinds.

Day 4 ushered in the most happening night for the community. Party time folks! One of the participants was a DJ and the party rocked as he belted out funkiest music for the “funky town” party. We did not get the Mr. and Ms. Funky – as none were dressed funky. Nevertheless, we did get to see funky forms of dances.

Next day’s graffiti was “Jai ho!” and “cheers!”

Day 5 brought with it the whisper of closure. All those who had bonded were wistful through the day. Others were in a hurry to experience something before they left and some were simply joyous to return home. As Vignesh, Rachna and Shridhar closed the community, we chucked away the things that we did not wish to take with us in a bucket. The group dispersed with the usual goodbyes – effervescent, teary, cheerful and wistful – all happening around me at the same time!

* (for the uninitiated this is the regional event of ISABS – Mumbai chapter. I am pursuing a professional development course in Applied Behavioural Science through ISABS – Indian Society for Applied Behavioural Science)

U and Me

There are times when everything seems so dark and dull. It seems as if there is going to be nothing more to look forward to. The path that I am treading seems to suddenly fall off into a deep valley, where no light seems to reach. I reach the ends of despair in such state.

My relationship with U seemed to be heading that way. I was so sad when we said goodbye. I was loathe to give up on a beautiful person. As artistic and as colourful and as cluttered and as unique and as individualistic as your lovely home. A genuinely pure soul, mauled by the experiences that came its way, yet fighing all the time in a state of rebellion, head held high, never allowing oneself a moment of rest. I saw so many unshed tears and I wanted to cry. It was my loss and I thought this would never heal.

I returned to Mumbai, thinking all the time, wondering if things could be different from what I was imagining. Could there be something that was un-explored in our relationship? Why do I have to give up just cause things seemed to be at a status quo?

But the fear of rejection was very high. I had been rejected before. But wait a minute, I think it was not that. My overtures were rejected, not me. So what did U reject. It was the challenge, the “I know it all attitude”, the “let me help you” gesture, the push, the knocking that was rejected. So, my head says, what if you change your own mindset on this. Why is it so important that U should shift to my location and not vice-a-versa? Bingo! That’s a ray of hope. Problem is how will I make it happen. I have been generally unsuccessful in conveying concern and care to people.
I decided to wait and watch for an opportunity. It happened when U decided to visit Mumbai and I took a tentative step forward. And then the miracle happened!

U and I broke ice, when you were in Mumbai last time. Its wonderful! We are just happy to see the layers peel off from each other. As I analyze what happened, I realize that the ice broke when I shifted my location. You know, it happened, literally. I wrote to U that I would meet U wherever you were in Mumbai and in my mind a knot came undone. I decided to meet you physically as well as mentally at your location. I stopped showing the mirror and lo n behold, I saw a new U, joyous and free in spirit, embracing life with open arms! Looking at self and enjoying the reflection.
This experience taught me a lot of things. I got my answer to, “why do people not see my concern and care” , “why do they only see my irritation and anger”? I realized, that while I have been gifted with superb sensitivity in being able to sense and see a whole lot of things – for eg. the other person's feelings and moods, what is wrong and what may be the potential of the person etc. - I have been exceptionally lacking in being able to move to his or her location. Empathy is not having the knowledge of the other person’s emotions, rather it's being able to hold the emotions at the same level as that person. I have achieved that in corporate life by just ignoring the highs and the lows, but not in the personal life. As a result, I am always putting people on defensive, challenging them, prodding them. I have been helping and supporting only in one way. I have, in past always said, " come on you can do it, I am here, come on over.... " The image that comes to my mind here is that of a football player who has to hit a goal. I am the goal post and I see the player as a high potential goal scorer. I don't move one bit and tell him what he needs to do. All the time! My challenge is now to learn to be patient and match the pace of the person. I may give a nudge once in a while and challenge a person, if I see that nothing is happening but then, I will be more patient. So far it has given me great returns. The new image that I would like to create is that of two kites swaying to gentle wind and soaring higher in the sky as the wind blows in different directions with varying speeds.

Chief Guest

My life has been a string of new experiences since May 2006! The latest of these thrillers is the launching experience. My first experience as a chief guest! Me, a chief guest? Whatever have I done to deserve this honour? I asked my friend as to what compelled her to invite me to the event and demanded that she give me a justification. In my mind, I was waiting for a long list of good things that would bring to light all my achievements and glorify all my shortcomings. The first cold shower I got was when no list came forth. The answer was simple, “because of your simplicity, because you are who you are a simple soul.” Well, so much for the expecting accolades! I mentally ticked myself off for having strutted around in self-consuming sense of pride. I felt all the hot air making way for humility.

I was then expecting that I would get a formal invitation and details of the venue and the information about the organization. Nothing happened till 20th Jan. 26th Jan was the launch. I was paranoid by then. “Is the programme still on? Am I really invited or have they had a re-think?” My self-worth was on shaky grounds. “Who is the audience, what do I speak? Why can’t people be organized? Let me call them. No, don’t call them.” I found myself constantly mumbling and worrying. Finally, I called my friend and asked her. She re-assured me that, yes the programme was still on, yes, I was invited and no she had not sent any material to me. I put the phone down, when she promised to send me all the info about her institution that day. This was on 21st Jan. And I decided to wait for the mail….

Finally the mail came to me on 25th with details. I read through, not understanding much in terms of the balance sheets. What did touch me were the success stories of the people who had benefited from micro financing. This was about supporting the under-privileged to upgrade their lifestyle, with dignity.

I had little time to prepare my speech and decided to do an ex-tempor speech.

The night of 25th was full of ribbing from my husband. I decided to keep myself busy by getting my costume ready. “Saree or Kurta? What should I wear? What colour?” I had so much going through in my mind. It was 26th Jan, so I expected that people would wear white. I mean, all these social kind of organizations do these things right? National pride and duty etc.! Pride was plenty, frills were not! Finally, since the NGO was one of the modest ones, I settled on a simple gray saree with red border and light make-up with simple jewellery.

The train was delayed and I wondered, whether I would hold up the proceedings like a typical chief guest. Surprisingly, the train made up time and I landed at Malad sharp at 11.00am. I was told that I would be received at malad station and taken to the venue. I dreamt of a committee with flowers, escorting me to a waiting car! Ha! Ha! The joke was on me. The lady who was to receive me was yet to leave for the station!

30 minutes later, I got a beep on my cell and I saw a breathless white kurta rushing up to me. No flowers! No reception committee! No car! We got into an auto and trudged along to the destination. My escort was busy on calls as she seemed to be responsible for many a things. Nevertheless, we chatted a while and I got to know more about the NGO.

Finally, we arrived in a part of Mumbai that was alien to me. The last time I had moved around in Dharavi was 20 years back, when I was working for NSS in college. This was a similar location and an unassuming resort was the chosen venue.

I saw a huge pile of footwear at entrance of a large hall. The audience was sitting cross-legged on the floor. The head table was occupied by four personalities and a speech was on. I looked around bewildered and heaved a sigh of relief when I saw some familiar faces. As I looked around, save for some transgender members, my first reaction was “oh! My God! I am so overdressed and made-up.” I gobbled up my lipstick and made an attempt to tone down my eye shadow. The blush would not go down simply because, it was natural! Thankfully, I was offered tea and I ran from the gathering. I do not know whether I felt parched due to heat or embarrassment.

The earlier session was to launch a book of inspirational songs. So inspired was the team that they ate into the time allotted to my friend and her team. Everybody seemed to be humoring them, so I settled down to enjoy the singing. An hour or so later and beyond schedule, my friend decided to call the shots and requested for her time. However, the typical chief guest who walked in one and a half hours late from his scheduled time, was not in a mood to comply.

As the audience started leaving the hall, we finally saw the session being taken to its conclusion.

A short break and a cup of tea brought the groups back and our session commenced. We heard the inaugural speeches and then our (I was not the only chief guest! There were 3 others) introductions followed by the “Aashayein” song. My introduction was the shortest ever, as my friend repeated exactly what she had said to me while citing the reason for inviting me to be chief guest.

Finally, it was time to launch the new programme designed for the would be facilitators, counselors and trainers of the NGO. The moment was all for a few seconds and then I was asked to take the stage and say something. When I looked at my audience, I forgot everything that I had planned and everything that was suggested by my friend. I ended up telling them, that this is a great platform to get the superbly designed syllabus all under one roof. I hurried to my conclusion making a wish that I would be associated with them in future in a more productive fashion.

I could see the relief on everyone’s face when I called it a day in about 4 minutes. Little did they know that, it was way past my lunchtime and my stomach was empty save the butterflies that I had in them, since last night!

Others on the table kept it brief, thankfully and we called it a day.

The highlight of the day remains to be the yummiest biryani that satiated the hungry group and the plant on my kitchen window sill that came to me as a gift from the NGO.