Relationships and my take on it

Relationships: The quest for an answer to successful relationships

The other day I met a friend from school. We were buddies then & used to sit on the same bench in class. 25 years ago we shared everything. We looked at the same boys, together played pranks on teachers, bullied other girls into doing our homework and even got punished together. We used to have a great time then and propelled by that memory I was mighty thrilled to see her. We had drifted when her parents moved house to their native place. So the chance meeting in a crowded market was unexpected yet pleasant surprise. I dragged her to my place and time seemed to have come to a standstill. Memories were fresh and we laughed over the childhood till tears gathered in our eyes. She had changed over the years and so had I. She was back in Mumbai and we promised to stay in touch.

When she left, the smile on my lips lingered on and I engaged myself into the routine of cooking dinner. This is one relationship that I cherish and would love to nurture it. I know also that my efforts will be reciprocated equally. Today it is easier as one is not dependant only on postal services to keep the link. E-mails ki jai ho!

What is it about relationships that some survive and some don’t? What are the key drivers to a continued relationship? Are the key drivers same or different for personal and professional relationships OR are the logic / emotion different in both?

I often hear people say that this relationship was doomed from start as it was forced upon me. If that be true, why do love marriages end up in divorce? It’s a relationship of choice, isn’t it? So does freedom to choose a relationship guarantee the success of it?

Let us first define the concept of a successful relationship. In common parlance a relationship that has continued over many years with seemingly no conflicts is a successful relationship. By this logic my relationship with Seema (friend above) is not such a successful one. We were out of each other’s lives for 25 long years. Yet, I see this relationship as successful. The years just melted between us in the chance meeting. This tells me that success or failure of any relationship is very relative. It is relative to how one chooses to look at it. I feel connected with her and hence rejoice the success of this relationship.

In case of parents, family and boss, one has no choice. These relationships happen. You cannot choose who you will be born to and who will be your family. Similarly, you cannot choose who will be your boss at work. Well, largely you cannot! In some fortunate cases this choice is possible.
In these cases, we make the relationship work. As I look closely at these relationships, I see a pattern emerging. The lead and responsibility of laying a solid foundation to success of these relationships; parent-child, boss-subordinate etc.; rests with the one with positional authority. In each case the fabric of a relationship is decided by the tone that the parent or the boss sets. The balance is set by the one in authority. An authoritarian/autocratic parent or boss can give rise to a rebel or submissive child / sub-ordinate. In contrast a guiding hand that gives space and freedom to each other will see the relationship blossom. The balance will help empower the two thus strengthening the relationship.

As I pause to think about relationships of choice, it strikes me that the balance is equally essential here as well. Amongst any two individuals there is bound to be power play and authority issues. The success of that relationship depends how each one relates to each other’s power and holds his/her own. This thought brings me back to the divorce in a relationship, especially love marriages. It’s often seen that one or both partners give up their own power in early stages of wooing and courting in order to make the other person feel good. As the time goes by it can be stifling for the person or partner to constantly give up his/ her power or to carry the load of the other one who depends on the powerful one. The balance is tilted and hence cannot last. Bust goes the relationship, the pink turns to grey and then an ugly black.

Success of a relationship is dependent largely on the acceptance of the role by both parties at each stage in the relationship. Mistaken role plays and misguided sense of responsibility will lead to an imbalance. Such confusion is often seen in family / peer relationships. These are more difficult to map and are largely based on individual choices. Hence we have some cousins or siblings (or colleagues in professional set-ups) who hit it off with each other, while others simply don’t give each other the time of the day. In my opinion it often boils down to non-acceptance of the other person’s individuality and power.

The concept of Choice in a relationship comes into play in case of contractual relationships i.e. relationships born out of or created for a common objective of growth or betterment to business, society, self. We have here as examples various Business associations, Deals and Marriages. In each of the cases people after intense scrutiny of each other would get together. The understanding of the common objective and each other’s needs are spelt out. Both parties seek clarity till it satisfies them. Subsequently they make an informed choice to go ahead or withdraw. Fact remains that continuity of such relationships is subject to the common objectives being met consistently. Where there are people, there is bound to be interplay of personal dynamics and emotions. So it’s about emotional intelligence of the players on stage!

At times I see every relationship is like a machine and needs constant supply of oil and periodic maintenance to keep it in top performance. What is the oil and maintenance in a relationship? The instant answer that comes to my mind is “Communication”! It keeps the gears meshed up smoothly. Communication of needs and objectives and a review of these from time to time is essential. Gears either mesh up too tightly or un-mesh forcefully when this grease is missing. In extreme cases the teeth are bared and broken. It is not easy to replace gears especially when one wears out the other.

Time and tide waits for no man(woman either!). Same applies to an interpersonal relationship too. Best friends of school have at times little to say to each other only because they have not met for years. They drift apart, develop new interests and find nothing in common after school. In contrast, some of us meet after years and yet connect deeply almost as if time stood still and took off from where we met. Spending ample time with each other does not guarantee you the success of a relationship and lack of it does not lead to it withering away.

However, making time for each other especially when a relationship begins is helpful. This is especially true in marriages. I would take this thought further in saying that it’s equally important to give time for a relationship to bloom. Just being together for two hours a day is not a quick fix for strong relationship. Your relationship to your spouse, team or even something as inanimate as your stock needs time to find its feet, stabilize and then bloom. Every moment dedicated to the relationship is the investment in it and it gives itself a manifold return over time. What is the qualifying factor here? Is it the amount of time that one spends with each other or the kind of time? Popular terminology for this is quality time. Today around us we find so many dysfunctional families or dissatisfied consumers. What is the reason? As I look closer, I see that though it’s a relationship of choice, there is very little or no time given to the defined relationship. One can’t expect wine when grapes are neither crushed nor set aside to mature, right? Little wonder then that most marriages in my generation are the weekend marriages of convenience. They are strained and generally break sooner or later.

As I dig deeper, I am becoming aware and just about coming to grip with the phenomenon of social net-working sites. What about a distant fellow sitting in remote location attracts the net buffs? I see my friends chatting away to someone remote on a laptop, but when it comes to having a two-minute conversation with parents or spouse, they have nothing to say. Relationships of convenience! She keeps my house so I need my wife, he gives me a feeling of security so I need a husband, they are there for my child so I need my parents…. So on and so forth! Where is the connect? When one connects to the live persons next to him/her there is a whole lot of dynamics that come into play. That sure can become difficult and too hot to handle. So what do I do…. Turn to the social networking sites! It’s so easy, one does not have to deal with real time emotions and feelings. Safe zone!

Many a people have wandered afar in quest to find answers about relationships and people. This is my small little take on the subject. There is so much more to write. Perhaps later!