Unconscious Processes

Consciously speaking! ….on the Unconscious

I have been ruminating on various aspects of Unconscious processes for last few days.

The process of exploring the unconscious began with certain observations. My study group discussed what unconscious means to each one of us. The answers varied from “the unawares behaviour” to “gut feeling” to “instinct or intuition” to “something that is underlying to the existential” to “a given process that is unconscious till one is aware of it and is willing to explore”. Interesting mix of expressions! Here, as I write, it strikes me that the meaning is expressed in terms of personal unconscious and nothing that talks about unconscious group processes.

I was introduced to the concept of unconscious processes sometime in December 2007, when I had attended a session on dreams. This covered one aspect of unconscious. Dreams, in my opinion, are expressions of an individual in his/her most fluid state. Dreams happen when one is not physically in a state to analyze i.e.is not fully conscious and is not processing data. The thinking and functioning brain is asleep and the sub-conscious surfaces. I am not too fond of dreams, as I tend to wake up feeling restless the next day. I have tried to note down my dreams and re-visit them to explore deeper to find meaning in it. However the attempts have not added to my learning, so far. In fact, I dream when I have upset stomach and the dreams are often a weird ride through my past and present, consisting of many people and locations. With exception of three dreams, that I remember vividly, there is nothing to look forward to. The ones that I do remember are noted in my memory with dates and details. I see the same dream like a motion picture time and again. The space and location that I am in, in the dream gives me a sense of calm and space. I have noted that I often visit these dream locations when I have met with success or on completion of complicated tasks. So, if I were to interpret it, I would say that this particular location might be my personal haven, a place to retreat and relax, a place that gives me peace.

Two of my close friends have recently shared their experiences of unconscious processes with me. I received both these experiences differently. In one of the cases I felt myself traveling along with my friend on his journey into the unconscious and felt a sense of homecoming when he concluded.

On the other hand, the second narration brought goose bumps to my arms. I felt awed by the magnitude of the experience. I feel that such experiences are possible when one is deeply connected with self and the other. I was also reminded of a similar experience that my mother had shared with me. In both cases, there was transition from one life to another. A stage, I believe where energy is transformed and hence is at a peak in its active performance. The experience hence, seems ethereal. This takes me to my favorite belief that energies of the universe are here to guide me and hold me. It depends on my willingness to be guided and my capacity to hold, how much of this energy is experienced by me. It also leads me to a conclusion that IT(energy) exists, whether it is seen and experienced by me/us or not.

Coming back to the exploration, I was asked, “Why do you want to look at the unconscious?” I realized that it was the mystery and aura surrounding the word that had drawn me to explore. I have often heard PDP and professional members say that there is something unconscious happening here. But, they have rarely explained what they mean by it. In absence of exploration/understanding/explanation, I am inclined to think that this word and expression is being used as some kind of a process for scoring a point over the other/s.

I feel that there are two aspects of unconscious. One is the unconscious of the person. That, which is unknown and is yet to surface within a person! The journey from unconscious to awareness is when the person becomes more and more of his own self.

Second aspect is that of some unconscious processes happening within a group. For example, in a lab nearing the closure invariably someone talks about a death and the group shares experiences around the same topic. Someone attempting to explain what the meaning of unconscious processes is, quoted the above example to me. There might be several such instances of unconscious processes happening within a lab, a family, a society and a group of people. Like in a family expecting a baby, everyone is tuned in to the needs of a pregnant mother, spoken or unspoken.

Freud and Jung are two names that I have heard in conjunction with the concept of unconscious. So I hit the net to find data on unconscious. There are books and more books & papers written on the subject. Interestingly, most of the reading material refers to unconscious of a person. Almost all the reading material refers to the work done by Freud and later by Jung. There is little or no reference to the unconscious processes in T-groups. The reading material describes such processes at most as collective behaviours exhibited by groups. These are often reported back as observations on group behaviour, which becomes a trigger for personal exploration.

Hence, I am left with a thought that when someone says that there is unconscious at play, they are actually referring to their own unsettled, unaware state of mind.

Over a cup of tea

कूछ बातें ऐसी ही ....

Responsibility, Commitment, Attachment.

What is about expectations and these words that is alive in me for last 24 hours?
It’s my expectation that one should at least be responsible enough to call in and keep the loved ones informed that one is going to be late. In age of superfast tech savvy gen next this is not very difficult. But then, who am I to make such demands? To each his own! Ha!ha! Ain’t that easier said than done?!

Hmm… thinking it over, this action or inaction has nothing to tech support. It is about being aware or having that sense.

But as I explore deeper within self, I realize that it is my need to adhere to stereotypes in a relationship and expect the same actions that I perform. The stereotype of returning home at a certain time, the stereotype of keeping someone informed when I am late, the stereotype of husband and wife. Its my need to get rid of my worry and anxiety. The expectation that family should dine together once a day, is completely baseless. Why? What if it does not? Those upholding the value system are going to give me long list of things on why family should dine together etc. and they may be right about it all. Fact is that it’s my need for company and complete displeasure of eating alone.

Evolution and change is not limited to physical looks alone, I guess. Man (and woman, too!) would certainly think and develop different values from that of the previous generation. So, here I am, on a see-saw, trying to understand and to seek meaning (with zero success) in something that’s different from my expectations. Yet, unable to let go of the expectations and just accept things for what they are.

At the same time, I am quiet thankful that I still have my sanity and not being a complete stereotype of a wife. A chance remark by my brother has left me thinking about the expectations from husband-wife relationship. He said to me utterly frustrated the other day, “G, this marriage business is too taxing yaar! Since the wedding, I find myself shouldering umpteen responsibilities. I am quiet ok with most but am totally lost and weighed down by the responsibility of keeping my wife entertained.” I can understand why and know for a fact that his frustration is shared by at least 90% of my male friends. Their wives seem to have lost all personal agendas post marriage, so much so there are no personal friends, no independent plans, no girls’ night out. May be a routine job or sometimes not even that. Heaven help! This is one stereotype that I can do without.

Interesting the twists and turns of life. The Hide and seek of expectations being fulfilled and not.

कुछ दिल ने कहा
कुछ भी नाही
कुछ दिल ने सुना
कुछ भी नाही

Adios

I bid goodbye to one of my wedding gifts today. A gas range gifted by a dear friend. It had served me faithfully for last 10 years before finally looking worn out. Just like my relationship with this friend. We shared a close bond for almost 10 years from 1989 to 1999. Time and distance played its part and the friendship is surviving on memories today. Its like a beautiful silk carpet, where threads are loose but the motifs are intact!

Over the years there are so many others things that have slipped out of my life to make way for new ones. People, hobbies, interests, material things and much more. I am looking at the years in two distinct compartments, before marriage and after marriage. Why am I slotting my life in this fashion? Why is marriage the dividing milestone? Well, life sure changed the most after marriage.

In the last few years, I have unknowingly said goodbye to the concept of “me” and “mine”. I seem to have grown into “us” and “ours”. Some of my friends would surely look at it from a feminist point of view and lecture me on preserving my identity and look after myself etc. But honestly, I have only blossomed in this enriching experience called marriage. My individuality is intact amongst “Us”. I have happily grown into the relationship that is “Ours” to nurture.

Another thing that I have parked for a while now is painting. It’s more of an “au revoir” to painting than adieu. In painting I used to find a platform of expressing my thoughts and feelings. The need to paint faded in pursuit of career and youth. However, expression and creativity manifests itself in different forms and I found joy in writing. Very recently, I have discovered that I can write poetry too!

Late night parties, clubbing out, drinking binges and grouping about town has taken a walk out of life. Instead, I find myself reading late, watching movies, doing rounds of theaters and taking off out of town. I do miss the dancing at times!

Sweets are out and fruits are in!

Skirts were out but now they are in!

Friends of adolescence are distant! Friends of today are reality!

Temper is out Patience is in!

Lonliness is once upon a time! Comfort is always a given!

I am wondering whether these are finite changes? Frankly, I am not so bothered about whether the change is absolute and irreversible. I know it will not be so! That’s not me. I enjoy flowing with the moment. I enjoy looking at what has happened. As I explore what feelings are attached to the changes that I have recounted, I come up with one word – satisfaction. I have the satisfaction of having lived every moment to its fullest and having experienced every change in the moment. The transition has been gradual and flowing. I have been listening to my inner voice.

Signing off with a final thought on goodbyes!

Old and new
Jostling along
One moves ahead
One falls beyond

A tear falls
A smile dawns
A flower wilts
A Swing Tilts

He smiled and said,
Adieu my friend!
Au revoir! I said
It’s never the end…

Basic Instincts

Basic Instincts of a professional

We have all heard about basic instincts of mankind. These are unlearned responses to external stimuli. I am struck by some responses that are specific to the corporate world and are picked up by almost all professionals within first few days. We are so tuned in to these responses that we do not realize how and when we learnt them. These reflexes are instinctive and essential for corporate survival. I have decided to call them the basic instincts of a professional in the corporate world. These instincts lead to certain individual and collective behaviours. I have attempted to document these two aspects impacting professionals like us, in the following paragraphs.

Knowing the power centers – Now does that ring a bell for you? I am sure each one of you has either benefited or lost out due to knowing or not knowing who pushes the button! I believe that a smart professional will instinctively know where the power lies. S/he aligns with the power centers and seals own careers for better or for worse. You would agree I believe that designated authorities may or may not be the power centers. I have often seen the outsiders influencing the ones in authority. These influencing persons are the real power centers and they can make or break a career. In some cases you see the power vested very constructively. Case in point is the powerful chief mentor of Infosys. He has vested his team with the obvious areas of power. Yet he continues to hold the power and moves things at the Infy campus. Sadly, we have very few enlightened ones like him. Most often it is seen that vanity of the man takes away the construct from the power that he holds. It spawns a bevy of below average performers who believe that fawning over the power center will get them results. This, unfortunately, is the vicious circle. One creates the other and neither can exist without the other.

Aligning with the opinion makers – Often the instinct of those who have no opinion. Sometimes it is also the trait of the ones who are small fish and new entrants to the system. Successful leaders instinctively use the opinion makers to bring in change. It has the best of results in most cases unless there is a Mamta making opinions about a Nano! She did not even realize that the power that she was attempting to break would render her powerless. I know, I am digressing here and this is not strictly a corporate example. Nevertheless, I am sure you get the point here. Stay on the right side, if you have no opinion left!

Creating a pressure bank – This is a reaction to unattainable dictates of the management. It is a mass instinct and pressure builds simply by word of mouth. It is often, merely a perception of something that leads to pressure banks within the system.

Flocking – Birds of a feather flock together! Need I say more? Each one of us has been through the phenomenon.

Ignorance is Bliss – This is seen in most people who do not want to make decisions or take a call and close issues. Reasons are numerous. They may be poor decision makers. They may not feel good about something. They may not have necessary authority. They may be hesitant about the facts presented to them. Whatever, the reason such people generally procrastinate decision-making and refuse to acknowledge facts of a situation. They tend to shut their eyes and assume that a situation will resolve itself. In manpower related issues this can be extremely helpful to deal with insignificant inter-personal skirmishes. But it will prove to be extremely dangerous, if one does not recognize to separate the casual from significant.

“I am a Cat” Syndrome – This is typically seen in people with extreme confidence or complete stupidity of mind. They are engaged in activities that are being observed by all. But our man is either a bit over-confident due to proximity to power centers or un-aware as he thinks that he is working in secrecy. He has not disclosed to anyone what he is doing. Typically a cat that eats the cream with his eyes shut and believes that no one can see him.

Woodpecker strategy – People with these instincts keep working at the same thing with same pace for many years. They carve a niche for themselves out of sheer persistence and un-interrupted application.

When People Talk

When people talk do they have to go on and on?

I had a visitor to my desk today who spoke continuously for 20 minutes. And when he finally left 45 minutes later others on my team told me that I was spared easy, he being unwell. Phew! I had the choice to walk off but decided not to. One does not risk it with the guys who hold purse strings.

I have often wondered what is it that makes people talk so much. There are many kinds of folks. Some are informed and knowledgeable and have much to share. Some have nothing to share but enjoy listening to their own voice. Some feel that unless they repeat everything five times I will not comprehend what they want to say. And there are others who take pride in saying, “let me tell you”.

This last one always amuses me. What happens if I don’t let you…tell me … that is? Hee! Hee! I did that to one of the senior members of the family once. He complained to my dad and wrote off my parents for not having taught me manners. I was so happy. It was good riddens of bad rubbish! Till date!

I am curious about the ones who need to repeat what they say more than once. And this is not because I have not understood what they say. I am fairly ok in the department of grey cells and have no qualms in seeking clarifications when I do not follow what is being spoken. So I have concluded that such people have no confidence in their own oratory skills or articulation. I am also inclined to think that such folks are dim in head and often measure others by own yard stick. They cannot figure out what others are saying in the first attempt. So they assume that others are in the same boat.

The best conversations in my memory have been with people who can speak small simple sentences and are willing to listen as well as contribute with own thinking.
The best lectures and speeches have been where the speaker has established a dialogue with the audience. Fresh on my mind is US president-elect Barrack Obama. He talks to his people and the world around. He talks and seeks a response. And people listen to him transfixed!

There is so much joy in listening.

There is so much creativity in right words.

There is so much expression in poetry.

I feel sometimes that those who can speak abuse the gift of speech so much. We should declare it to be endangered art forms. At least, then I will not have to endure a bumbling oaf for 45 minutes…..

My Song

I stood in a circle, eyes closed in fear;
I thought for sure that the end was near
The road seemed to fall
In a dead end for all

Ever so slowly I opened my eyes
And felt my hopes rise
Lo! It was no end
Behold! Just a bend

The circle was hope not fear
My eyes dropped a relieved tear
I saw my friends, and gained a step
They said let go; I fell and I wept

Some said jump;
We will hold!
Others said turn;
There is much to behold!

I turned and I walked
I leapt in joy
My lover was waiting
I knew it was no lie

We held our hands
And Looked Beyond
Happily walking
To the rainbow on sand!

In this life again;
I will be born!
With this thought;
I start my song.

My first independent facilitation attempt

So, I have not been writing in this space for a while now! So what? There was nothing inspiring enough to write for a while. But then, its not only this space but many others that I use for expressing and being creative.

I painted with crayons after so long and had a blast doing that.

I wrote for "Urja" - house magazine of GMPL

I wrote the book reviews for PDP.

I wrote letters to friends after ages.

The wonderful world of words and the gift of writing... :) I enjoy writing and sharing.

But coming to the point and talking about the subject, there is another superb experience that I want to write about. Its about the role play that I facilitated for a group in Worli. This was my first independent experience at facilitation. The group consisted of the residents of Mnagar and SNS team. 12 of us. Some more joined in later. When I started the session, it looked like there was nothing right about it. The keys to Akanksha office were not available. The october sky was overcast and raindrops hit us within 5 minutes of the group coming together. I had almost decided to wind up but did not, simply because of the group's enthusiasm. So I narrated the roleplay to the group in Hindi and gained confidence along the way. As if in support, the keys to the office were delivered to us and the sky cleared!

I was looking forward to what would unfold and expected the group to enact for about 15 minutes. The group was divided in 2 groups amidst much of nominations and happy banter. Once i narrated to them what they were expected to do, I saw the seriousness of the group. I was struck by the intensity with which the group was impacted. They identified so completely with the role play! Slowly the act took shape. The group stumbled upon the impromptu dialogues and the googly of situations. Neither group new what the other had planned and what emerged was a real-life situation with real emotions and dialogues. I was speechless as the group got involved and the role play continued for 40 minutes. After 30 minutes or so, I decided to pull down the curtains and asked the group to close the negotiation. We wound up the situation with a fairly satisfactory situation.

We sat for a de-brief in a large circle. Almost everyone started talking at once. Gradually the chatter stopped and some members, who seemed to be leading the group took over. However the feedback was personal in nature. At this point I intervened and guided the group through a constructive feedback process. I asked them questions that were related to the process, planning, impact, action and reaction during the role-play. One of the "aha!" moments came when the group discovered that they had not planned who they will talk to in the opposite party. This, they realized was a reality for them, leading to issues in resolving current issues about SRA. There were other such moments in the de-brief making the session very "powerful"! And that's the feeling that I am left with. I feel powerful, for having made a successful intervention. I feel powerful for having made a difference. I feel powerful for making the contribution to an activist group. I feel powerful! and humbled by the success...

Mahabharat

I have been watching the "K Mahabharat" from day one and the one thing that has impressed me is the pace and the jazz of the show. I was impressed by the format in which the serial was launched on to the unsuspecting audience. Whoever, would have thought that the story would begin at a point when duryodhan turns the tables on the Pandavas on that dark night. The episode was shot with lots of dark shades and mind you, I am not refering to the colours that were used. It was the intriguing play of light and shadow and the purposeful hiding of the faces.

I am also happy that we are not subjected to the drab songs sung in hight pitch! No offense to the senior singer from Chopra's time , but I prefer the fast music of this visually appealing Mahabharat.

The outfits are cool and the dudes are a treat to look at. Mac as Ved Vyas was a bit too much! But then, he is super cool and brings in the mad element with him, that I enjoy. I must say even the Yashoda maiyya of old times, can skip the maiyya tag! She sure is ok to look at and wears good outfits(so what if she has only one! After all Manish Malhotra ain't exactly cheap) the head bands are certainly more happening than the lopsided and shoddy crowns of past.

The only one aspect of the serial that takes away the charm is the juvenile special effects! Its ridiculous to call it special effects even. Balaji camp needs to hire some good firm soon. Ekta, hope you will do the needful!

Otherwise "Kahani hamaray Mahabharat ki" Rocks!

The best day of my Life

Today is the best day of my life... :)

Birthdays are so special. The celebrations begin sometimes a week in advance, sometimes the day before. When I was a kid, I used to start my dance the month before. Planning what dress to buy , what gifts to give, what mom sjould cook for the party and who all should be caled for the party. Just the anticipation would fuel my energies for days. The enthusiasm, has not waned a bit since. I am just as happy to buy new clothes and plan party with friends.

So here's to me...

Happy birth day to MMMMMEEEEEE!

Singh is King

The nation is singing the song! And why not? We have seen a triumph yesterday for our nation. The Trust vote has gone in favour of the government. N-deal is about to happen on a fast track!

I do not claim to understand all about the N-deal, but if it means that we are edging towards a No-war strategy, I am happy. If it means that we are setting example for the world to drop weapons and take up peace, I am thrilled to witness it. So kudos – Mr. Singh! I feel comforted by the fact that we are now looking forward to "building" as opposed to "demolishing". It is heartening to see that we are being lead by a man who is intelligent, composed and cool. All said and done, it is time we woke up to reality and look out for educated leadership. I am impressed by the dignity that the leader of "Ayes" displays. Full star to you Mr.PM !

Talking about stars, I am struck by the fact that a certain actor is also riding high on his lucky stars. Hits after hits in last two years, packed stage shows, acting with the best looking heroine of the day and the nation singing his song. Keep it up Akki! Way to go!

Reality Show

Yet another reality show - Halla Bol!

Bachao! Wachwa re wachwa!

There was a time when we wondered if the Humlog and Buniyaad would have any competition. Then came the Saas - bahu sagas. Every channel tried its best to dramatize every permutation and combination of the saas-bahu relationship... As we panted after the twists and turns of the serials, we saw the first Indian Idol emerge.

From then on started the race for reality shows. Today I witnessed yet another show. Anglicized Marathi put me off! Wonder what the die-hard Marathi manoos say to this show?

All I want to say is that, may be the dancers will rescue the show. The only saving grace of show!

Water Locked or..???

Nowadays I feel more restless than ever. I feel like this fort, locked yet not! Holding many things inside and dealing with increased awareness. Yet free and enthusiastic, looking out at the vast ocean and raring to conquer new horizons!

The increased awareness brings both joy and pain. The joy of knowing and being myself! The pain of being helpless at times .. helpless as those around me find it difficult to adjust to the change in me. Its happened gradually for me and yet its too fast for them. And it all boils down to "all this thing you are doing with behavioural science" .. :)

Anyone find that comment ringing a bell?

On losing it

I have lost it -- 5 kgs and 3 inches AND

Gulabjamuns .....
Rabadi ..............
Kulfi..................
sevai...................
tender coconut ice-cream...
hyderabadi biryani..........
kheema........................
fish n prawns n crabs..........

Will life return to normal ????

Sure, cause I have found a new strength and a lighter side of me! And a blog that talks all about food :)

Random Thoughts on Authority

Talking of authority, I am questioning myself, who am I to talk about it. A new entrant into the vast field of Behavioural Science and Sensitivity training! But then, who am I not to talk about it. After all I have been experiencing it in many ways for more than 30 odd years.

When I was born, I exerted my power on the family, simply by being the first child in the family. Even today, I am subjected to tales of how I wielded my power over the family. They danced attendance to me, took care of my sleeping times and fed me before anyone else in the family, laughed when I laughed and cried when I cried. What kind of power and authority is this? It’s unstated and exists in every family. All babies are born with such power. The power of innocence!

This innocence gave way to manipulations and games as I grew up. I started becoming aware of the concept called authority and the tool called power. I do not claim that I understand what authority and power is all about, yet I have seen how the two can make or break a person or a system or community.

I am inclined to believe that authority is associated with decision makers and vice-a-versa. Be it family, society or professional set-up. Decision-making is based on knowledge and experience. Decision-making happens when a person is willing to take responsibility and face consequences. As a result, accountability comes with authority.

It’s interesting for me to hence, look at various aspects of authority and my behaviour in different situations.

Me in relation to authority figures: How does authority and power affect me? What is the variety of reactions that I go through? When am I comfortable with authority figures? What about authority figures puts me off? Under what circumstances do I rebel or hide from authority figures? So many questions!

Today, I often find myself comfortable in presence of authority figures. I am neither under pressure nor indifferent to authority. Persons in authority inspire me. I remember being starry eyed about one of my ex-bosses for a long time and to some extent I hero-worship him even today. He was everything I aspired to be. He was charismatic, charming, knowledgeable, passionate about his work and ambitious.

In complete contrast, I have seen leaders who are dictatorial. They are often rude when they address their followers. I have deliberately used the word followers here, as they never seem to have colleagues, peers, friends or allies. I find myself running in the opposite direction from them as fast as I can. In my experience, Fear and Disgust are two strong emotions attached to such personalities.

I am fairly free in making a point or stating my opinion in presence of authority. At the same time, I have also experienced that I tend to avoid head-on confrontation with authority. As I explore deeper, I realize that I avoid confrontation in most circumstances. It seems pointless when the other person, is not in a frame of mind to listen or even acknowledge any other point of view. And when it comes to authority figures, I give up and walk away. One may debate on this and call it escapism. However, it seems to be prudent and time and effort saving to me.

In relation to confrontation with authority I have never been through a question of how can I confront? It’s always been a case of do I want to? Whenever, it comes to protecting my own authority and power, I tend to be very alert. Then I may fight tooth and nail to save my self-respect.

Does this mean that I always walk away from confrontation? Not really, I remember instances when I have engaged in public showdowns with my bosses or teachers. It happened when I was much younger and far more passionate and rigid in my outlook to life in general. Over the years, I find myself being more tolerant of being told what to do. It takes off the pressure and I can better utilize my resources.

Me as an Authority figure: How do I exert my authority? What impact do I have on my team, peers, and family when I exert my authority? How do I ensure that my authority and power does not make my team dysfunctional? How do I ensure that, in caring for my team I do not give away my authority rendering me ineffective as a team leader? Questions again!

I am fairly authoritarian in the matters that hold me responsible for the final outcome. I take an aggressive stance in ways of operating at work. Over the years, my approach has mellowed. I tend to listen to ideas more patiently. I am a firm advocate of hands-off delegation. At times this leads to situations where we do not deliver on time. In such cases, I feel disappointed with self and often tend to feel responsible for not having seen it coming.

Co-existence is a value that I uphold and practice. It translates in the way I handle my teams. It is a tricky balance however to care for the team while ensuring high performances. Its about building self-motivated teams, empowered enough to make own decisions, within the prescribed format. I find this situation very funny, most of the times. The idea is to give as much freedom as possible to the member of the team yet I restrict them in certain boundaries of processes and authority limits. These limits are largely financial in nature and essential.

The theme of co-existence is even more tricky in the competitive world, where my peers carry the “either you or me” attitude. At such times, I sing a lonely song of “u and me”! In such cases I tend to seek different grounds to operate from.

All this is seen from my window. I wonder how it looks from the others’ window? I am increasingly becoming aware that I need to seek feedback on self from peers, subordinates and superiors.

Power dynamics in the family and social circle: For some strange reason I have always associated authority with professional set-up. As I ponder about the power dynamics in family and social set-ups, I see financial status as a measure of authority. It’s a fact that the financially strong members of the family or society tend to have more authority and power as compared to the financially challenged members. I experienced this soon after my graduation. My brother started his career with a four-figure salary and the family consulted him in every matter. I was studying at that point and my opinions had no value. But in my second year, I started training with a four-figure stipend. Lo and behold, I found myself being consulted in all matters. I think this was all about the authority and power of money. My opinions and suggestions were no different from before!

In family, authority comes with age. The senior members are supposed be authority cause they have more years over the younger ones. Never mind if the senior is clueless about the world outside since his voluntary retirement about 15 years back.

In my family, power to decide and authority to action, rests with those who have proven their competence or are perceived to have the competence to deal with that particular situation. This suits me the best.

Amongst friends, I find myself oscillating from being a complete authority on something to being a happy adventurer exploring new horizons under someone. This is one set of people where there is no power struggle, no one-upmanship and no ambiguity on authority.

I wonder how many other aspects of authority is one exposed to. There is authority of role-holders, positional power, authority of a situational leader, authority coming from knowledge and experience and so on and so forth.

In conclusion I have only one thought, it’s all in the mind! I am as much an authority as I feel and have as much power as I am willing to experience.

Tarang 2008* : Event-logue

It’s the morning after the event and I am in a state of complete euphoria! This event has been special in many ways. This was my first event at regional level. The warmth and the closeness shared by the community have left a lasting impression on me.

The morning of 28th dawned with an extra dose of excitement. I was all set and excited to go for the ISABS event. The day started with a slow pace and I found myself waiting for it to be 3pm. I was supposed to wind up my tasks for the day by 2.30pm and leave for Karjat. Amidst the routine hustle bustle of the office and last minute meetings and typical, “meet me before you go… we have important things to plan”, I was delayed and almost did not make it for the 3pm Karjat local. When my colleague pointed out that it was 2.40pm already, I panicked. I picked up my heavy backpack and dashed out of office, ignoring the questions coming my way. Thankfully Mumbai CST is just a five-minute walk from my office. The ticket window was not so crowded and I got my ticket within two minutes and boarded the train as it was crawling out of the station. As I looked out of the window, I felt like a kid going on the much-awaited holiday. The train picked up speed and so did my anxiety and anticipation.

In between a sandwich, a bit of reading, some music and mostly dozing, I finally reached Karjat. As I arrived at the resort, I saw members of the group coming in. I was happy to see the known people. There were some unknown faces as well. However, I seemed to know instinctively that we were a part of the same event.

This event was special for me as this was my first exposure to the other side of the event. This was my entry into the mysterious group of facilitators! Joining me were Sanjay and Vidyut. We were invited to join the staff meeting that evening! Amongst the various roles, I decided to volunteer for communications and Vidyut joined me. Other than that Sankar and I made up the party team. The professional members took up all the other roles voluntarily.

This event was special as we had Sankar and Bilol returning to the chapter after a long time. The chapter was that much more enriched by the presence of the senior members of the community. Bilol was energy personified through the event. As we laughed and doubled over, we wondered whether that the stop button had gone missing here! Sushma, Vignesh, Shridhar and Vikram brought in their own experience, wit and humour to the event. Joining them were Rachna and Rahul as interns. Sanjay, Vidyut and I were doing our Observation Lab.

This time, the community had about 38 participants and 11 staff members. This comprised 3 BLHPs (Basic Laboratory on Human Processes) and 1 ALHP (Advance Laboratory on Human Processes). Vikram and Rachna had teamed up for BLHP1, Sankar and Rahul with me as observer for BLHP 2, Bilol and Shridhar with Vidyut as observer and Sushma and Vignesh with Sanjay as observer for ALHP.

Day 1 started, as usual with an opening community session. Bilol, Vignesh and Vidyut welcomed the participants and set the tone for the next 5 days. We met with the members of the community, seeking our space, reflecting upon our location and feelings. Later Vikram addressed the community and groups were announced. At 11am on first day the small group work started in individual groups.

I joined my group and began “The observation”. In my professional life, I have been exposed to observation tasks and I had presumed that this was going to be a cakewalk. Little did I know that these 5 days would prove to be the most challenging ones.

Day 2 started with small group work. I had been receiving a huge amount of data and my awareness of self and group had peaked by the end of the previous evening. I overheard the participants discussing that no one had much to talk during the day and felt even more miserable that I had so much to say to the members of the group but no means of expression. I guess that’s why I had started my day with graffiti! Soon I saw the board filling up! Some of the interesting ones stayed in my mind – “Rest of your life begins now…” “I plan to live for ever or die in the attempt”, “What’s for Lunch? – Bheja Fry!” Interestingly, the last one was on third day.

Day 3 concluded with the mid-community session. Sushma, Sanjay and Vikram welcomed the community with soft music and mood lighting. Sushma’s soothing tone almost put me to sleep. I sailed through the community feeling happy that I was talking to the members of the group. The silences in my life were temporarily interrupted! The session concluded by non-verbal expressions of the values that were most alive for the groups. The group members depicted these values by making various formations. By this time the tentativeness of the first community session had dissolved. I saw some holding hands, others sitting close to each other, many talking and expressing for a long time, some groups connected in the formations they got into. The community hall seemed to be filled with emotions and expressions of all kinds.

Day 4 ushered in the most happening night for the community. Party time folks! One of the participants was a DJ and the party rocked as he belted out funkiest music for the “funky town” party. We did not get the Mr. and Ms. Funky – as none were dressed funky. Nevertheless, we did get to see funky forms of dances.

Next day’s graffiti was “Jai ho!” and “cheers!”

Day 5 brought with it the whisper of closure. All those who had bonded were wistful through the day. Others were in a hurry to experience something before they left and some were simply joyous to return home. As Vignesh, Rachna and Shridhar closed the community, we chucked away the things that we did not wish to take with us in a bucket. The group dispersed with the usual goodbyes – effervescent, teary, cheerful and wistful – all happening around me at the same time!

* (for the uninitiated this is the regional event of ISABS – Mumbai chapter. I am pursuing a professional development course in Applied Behavioural Science through ISABS – Indian Society for Applied Behavioural Science)

The 21 km inspiration - Sameer Nagrajan (guy without the cap)

I ran the 21 km Mumbai half marathon on Sunday January 20, 2008. I completed it.

Mere words cannot, frankly, express the pride and joy I feel at having done it. This has been one of the tallest moments in my life in a long, long time. And as in all such cases, there is a story around it.

Sometime in June 06, I became conscious (after a lot of gentle and not-so-gentle ribbing by family and friends) that I was developing a significant tummy, brought on by generous helpings of food, alcohol and aided by a very sedentary lifestyle. Having had knock knees for a significant portion of my childhood, I had never really gotten into physical exercise of any sort. As I grew older, the knees sorted themselves out through physiotherapy but the excuse remained and I never knew what really I was capable of in terms of physical exercise.

Having discovered a treadmill in our colony in Bangalore, I started getting onto it. Every day I would run 1 km and feel good.

Life has a way of disguising opportunities as problems and my problem arose when I moved to Mumbai. The office has a gym but to stay back and use it would mean reaching home late, not a good idea when the distance anyway takes 75 minutes to cover. The building did not have a gym and I was wondering whether to buy a treadmill. Cost considerations prevailed and I pondered the second alternative, to run on the road. That did not seem very nice so I hit on the third best alternative, to run in a park nearby.

Almeida Park is a mere 2 minute walk from my place and is essentially a haunt of senior citizens before 6 am every morning. An entire round of the park is 300 metres. The first time I went there, I forced myself to run ten rounds, i.e. 3 kms.

I stopped ten times during that run and realised for the first time, how completely unfit I was. Gasping for breath at the end of each round, I swore that I would beat the run (rather than have it beat me). I had also started an aggressive diet program then, eating only salads for 3 days and then cutting out the sugar, ghee and butter completely from all my food.

Realising that I was lazy enough to stop if I gave myself an excuse to do so, the next resolve was to run every day. This presented unique challenges, for example, the day I had to leave home at 5 am to catch a train from CST at 6 am. I woke up at 330 am to run for 45 minutes .. the watchman in our building looked at me as if I was an apparition, when he saw me stepping out of the building at 345 am in a tracksuit. But was fortunately polite enough not to say anything.

After a month, I was doing 5 kms, stopping a few times, but doing it every day. Initially everyone had put down the idea to a fad, something that I would not doubt outgrow in a few weeks. Doing it for a month, I had begun to enjoy it and had also lost a kilo or two of weight in the process. Madhu started pushing me to see a doctor. I met the Company doctor, who confirmed that I could go ahead as long as I did not experience pain.

The first 2 months were chaotic, in the sense that right through the day, I used to keep taking very deep breaths (the running used to, for some strange reason, make me want to breathe very deeply). I also used to get very thirsty, easily drinking something like four litres of water every day. On the positive side, I used to sleep better and earlier and as a result, reduced socialising sharply (difficult to party if you are used to sleeping at 10 pm every day!!).

I also used to have sharp spells of demotivation, when I used to wonder why I was doing all this. At that point in time, in a discussion with a younger colleague, I learnt about the Mumbai Marathon and that it was held every year in January in Mumbai. We chatted up on it and I decided as a motivator, to set myself a goal to complete the Mumbai Half-Marathon in January 2008. Some of my friends thought I was a bit strange, since the Half Marathon is 21 kms and I was at that time doing barely 5 kms at a stretch in a run. No doubt they thought I was getting a bit soft in the head. I was actually a bit easy on myself, initially telling my friend that I my goal was to “participate” in the half marathon. He looked at me straight in the eye and said, “you could do that by running for five minutes and completing one km. Participation doesn’t mean much”. Suitably chastened, I adjusted it to “completing” the half Marathon.

The first sign I got that things were actually getting better were that by September, I was able to run 10 kms a day with a lot of rest intervals. By then, I had also lost enough weight (10 kgs, in fact!!) to need a brand new wardrobe, something I really enjoyed doing. Some of the reactions then were really cute – some of my older friends who were seeing me after a long time used to assume I was sick and ask me in hushed tones “are you all right?” while some of the more polite ones would make curious enquiries. In the office, people were just plain confused. One of my younger colleagues realised that I was serious about running when he saw the weight loss (incredibly good athlete himself) and served as a broadcast system, letting a whole lot of people know that “Sameer really runs a lot now”. Another one, pretty scared of physical exercise and never having done it all his 35 years, commented that I would wear out my knees and need knee replacement surgery in the next 5 years. I took that sage bit of advice with the humorous response it deserved, that since I was going to die someday as well, it made sense not to live today …

I then got a coach. Rather, Unilever gave me one. Savio D’Souza is a Olympic level marathoner who now trains people in running and trains a huge contingent from Unilever every year in long-distance running. He’s a very interesting trainer, who fits the classical mould of an irresistible force. He is warm, friendly and consistent and used to run with me. It only struck me later how frustrating it would have been for him – when I run with someone very much slower than me now, I have to remind myself that someone spent time on me as well. Aside from the physical fitness lessons, I also learnt some of the things that make long-distance running a ruggedly individualistic sport with some subtle rules:
1. stop to help someone who needs it
2. you must be able to speak while running. If you can’t speak, you are doing something wrong. Slow down.
3. never stop running once in the race. Running slowly is acceptable, stopping is not. Even walking is preferable to stopping.
4. you will never do the full distance in training. The idea is to come close to it but to keep the actual “full” run for the big day.

As the distances I covered increased, I stopped running every day. It was really too much anyway to try and run over ten kms every day. Ironically, by running every alternate day, I actually increased speed. Give the body time to recover and it responds much better. Every Sunday, I would run with Savio and slowly, the speeds improved. By mid-November, I was doing 13 kms at a stretch, and by end-November it had touched 15 kms.

Some interesting things were also happening at home. Smriti and Yash started developing a sudden interest in running, to the point where Madhu and I had to regulate their running a bit (overdoing it can do nasty things to a delicate system). Fortunately for them it was a fad that passed.

Recovering from the run was another slow process. I would typically run for about 75 minutes and it would then take another 90 minutes for the breathing and pulse rate to return to normal, with the result that I would be inactive for a while.

December was possibly the very worst month as far as my training went in the sense that I was not in Mumbai- travelling a lot. I spent two weeks in Jaipur on the ISABS program and that put paid to a significant bit of training. By then, the marathon had been announced for Jan 20. Applications were filled and routed through Unilever, which coordinates over 2000 entries directly with the sponsors (Chartered Bank). The Bank threw a shock – in the past five years, every year the event has been attracting increasing numbers of entries and it was now curtailing entries, upon request by the Police. Unilever in turn threw a fit when it discovered that last year, one person had run the half marathon without realising he had a severe case of arterial blockage (without symptoms) and the Company doctor mandated every participant to go through a medical exam.

Turned out to be more good news. I used to have a triglycerides problem – it is now normal. As for the stress test, I just got on to the treadmill and kept walking, 10 minutes into the test, when I had just about started breathing deeply, the doctor looked at me and said “are you into fitness?”. I grinned and said I run 15 kms every Sunday. I had to repeat that before he understood, and then increased the speed of the treadmill sharply …

And so, despite the Bank trying its best to curtail entries and Unilever insisting on medicals for everyone, I found my application accepted …

And the one Sunday before the marathon, I touched 17 kms. Now I was pretty sure I would do it, though not very sure how and in what shape. Chartered bank had very kindly put up a recreation centre at Azad Maidan and Unilever managers were invited there. Madhu and the kids decided that they would cheer me off to a start and wait for me to finish.

We reached at around 620 am for a 645 am start. The whole of Azad Maidan was buzzing and there was an air of anticipation. The start of the race in fact was a bit anti-climactic in that there were 8000 participants for the 21 km run and as a result, the first two kms were just a fast walk (the real running starts from the second km on).

There are stages to a Marathon (or any intensive long duration physical exercise, for that matter) in terms of emotions. These have been mapped and generally found to be applicable, though not universally true. They serve as a rough guide to inform that feelings can arise that you do not anticipate or understand fully. In the first stage, is excitement and exhilaration at the fact that I am commencing a challenging task. That is what happened at this stage.

The route also had a carnival air about it- music, announcements, and crowds cheering you on. Interestingly, Jan 20 was a very cold day by Mumbai standards. It was really good because it is easier to run in the cold than in heat!! And every 2 kms or so, there was a drinks counter that served water and Electral … good fun. I had by then also learnt the useful art of grabbing a small bottle from an outstretched hand, drinking and then throwing the bottle by the side, without reducing speed .. it is possibly the one time in the year when you can litter without guilt and in fact are expected to litter. The run was initially a blur. I just kept moving, recognising faces from Unilever and elsewhere, but just concentrating on getting the next step. At 2 kms, I smile at the stranger next to me and say “10% of the run is over”. He laughs as well and confirms, “10% is over”.

At this stage, I become aware that there is a great deal of work yet to be done. I am not frustrated or in awe, just conscious that I have just started out. There is a sense of challenge building up and I begin to activate the cerebral part of my being. I am trying to figure out how I am going to do this one. Humour and an acknowledgement of realities plays a role at this point.

One of my training partners kept pace with me for a while, then slowed down. Crossed Babulnath with ease and Mumbaikars on this list would know that that is the point at which the upward incline leading upto Peddar Road starts. As I ran up Peddar Road, I found myself slipping into a steady pace, enjoying the pace and the sights ….

For some time initially, thoughts and feelings align. I get into the rhythm of the run. Legs move repetitively, you remember the rules about where to hold your hands and the slight swing of the body that propels it forward. This is an important stage, however, it is deceptively shallow and short.

Sights, did I say? Yes. There was one guy dressed in a Spiderman costume (I am still not too sure why, but he was not in the race only for fun. He seemed to be running seriously). By the time we hit the 8th km, the potential winners of the race were doing the 15th (and were hence coming back and passing me in the opposite direction). For the record, Milind Soman is a great runner. I do remember thinking as I passed Haji Ali, that I never knew Worli Sea Face was such a long stretch. It just seemed to go on and on, not a pleasant feeling when you are running. I challenged myself and said that I would not stop till I had done half the distance and turned around. At Mela restaurant, we turned around.

Do you get what happened at this stage? You might have read between the lines. In order to make a stressful task bearable, I separate thought and feelings. I may not always be able to explain why and how this happened, or even what I felt just then (except for the physical sense of tiredness). So I report intelligently and intellectually, on what I “saw”. The mind is going into hyperdrive, measuring, calculating, recognising. It takes attention off the physical tiredness that is beginning to creep in. It challenges itself temporarily by setting artificial targets (“I will rest after the halfway mark is done”). It blocks off feelings, because to acknowledge tiredness and exhaustion at this stage will mean that I might slow down or stop, overwhelmed by the size of the task before me. The disconnect between thought and feeling is complete.

Strange thing there. On the way back, I actually reduced speed more often and was not so consistent in the speed. As a result, I thought it would have taken longer to come back than it did to go. Turned out to be the opposite, I took longer to cover the first half distance. I met up with Savio at some point on the way back and we chatted while running. That kind of kept my motivation high enough to cross 17 kms. At that point, I became conscious that I had now crossed my earlier personal best.

Feelings and thoughts begin to re-integrate in the next stage. How long will you ignore my tiredness, my body shouts at me. You are going to complete this, my mind argues. The training for long-distance running is not only about physical training. It also focuses on aligning body and mind to send consistent messages. So my mind gets kind on my body and says “yeah … at the next water pit, you may slow down for a minute. 60 seconds. Not one more. But till then, work with me”. And my body is grateful for the concession and does as it is told.

At 18 kms, I become aware that I have now done better than my earlier best. I feel good for barely a few seconds. Despondency kicks in. What am I doing this for, I asked myself. I could quit and stop now. I am 41 years old, not as young as I used to be and not as young as some of the people I see around me now.

As body and mind are aligned, thoughts and feelings have also aligned. The challenge is, I am now aware that I have pushed myself beyond accustomed limits. Also, I am now exploring territory that I never did before – and there is already a sense of achievement that is being created. Paradoxically, the sense becomes that since I am already achieving, I do not need to achieve in full. 18 kms is as much of an achievement as 21 kms, for me who has only done 17 before. Now the challenge is different. Earlier, I was using mind to negotiate with body and body to prove a point to mind. Now I need an integrated response, failing which I will succumb and fail.

And very quietly and peacefully, an image formed in my mind of my children. Their Dad is not a loser, I thought. He’s a winner who started out doing something for the first time in his life when he was 40. And then I started moving again.

The final stage is of resolve. The differences have been reconciled, the limits explored, the hesitation encountered, the anxiety confronted. I explore deep within myself and ask, what is it that I really want to do? And where does the energy come from? Steel comes into my eyes, I set my mouth in a line and mouth to myself, “I will make this happen in full. I will complete the half marathon”. Frankly I have not understood the imagery of my children, though I very much own the image. I always thought this was something I was doing for myself, with myself. I thought it was about doing something that I had never done before. Obviously the approval of my children means a lot to me.

Last three kms. I turn round the corner at Not Just Jazz By The Bay.
The crowd is now bigger, and the sense of euphoria in me builds. “You’ll do it!!” shouts a teenage boy. “I will”, I smile back at him.

With resolve comes confidence.

One of the most touching and in one way intriguing moments in the run happens a few seconds after that. Every 500 metres or so along the route, there are water stalls. A small family operates one such stall. They are very obviously poor. Their clothes and demeanour show it. The father has a collection of small mineral water bottles before him and his son clutches two, waiting for a runner to signal thirst.
I catch his eye. He would be all of ten years old, if at all. I jerk my fist to my mouth.
His eyes widen and he runs to his father. Runs back. Holds out a bottle. I grab it.
In some way I can’t fully fathom, I have impacted him. He has been watching me since 50 metres away, when I first signalled. Now, barely 5 metres away from him, I notice him looking up (and it is virtually up, at his height and our mutual proximity). He is not blinking. He is just looking at me.
“Thanks” I say and smile and he scampers back, to tell his father … what?

I observe more reflectively, contemplatively. I have outgrown the obsession about distance, speed, tiredness and all the rest of the noise.

At 2.5 kms to close, a trainer appears out of nowhere. I don’t know him, he is an appointed route guide. He is trying to motivate a man before me, who has apparently given up and is walking along leisurely. “Come on, man. Only half a kilometre more. You’ve almost done it. You cant’ give up now.” It seems to work. The man starts running.

Liar, I think. It’s not anything less than 2 kms. I wonder how that guy will react when he realises that it’s actually not half a km. But I am doing this in a very matter of fact way, I’m not excited or worked up about the plainly manipulative style. It’s just something I have observed, en route to my goal.

Incidentally, the man who was walking before me does realise that the distance is significantly more than 500 metres, and resumes the leisurely pace. I overtake him soon after. He notices a friend along the boundary lines and stops for a conversation.

I can hear the noise at the podium long before I see it. The mayor of Mumbai and John Abraham are welcoming all the participants back. I can see the crowd gathering. There’s a band playing. Water, food. I am 500 meters away.

I notice a digital clock above the welcome arch, announcing the time in hours, minutes and seconds.

At exactly 2 hours and 29 minutes, I pass under the arch. I have done it. Adjusting for the fact that the clock started before I passed the start line, my time chip has recorded that I took 2 hours and 26 minutes to cover 21.067 kms.

Madhu and the children are waiting for me. It’s an incredibly heady moment. “You did it!!!” is what all of them have to say. We head off the to the Chartered Bank pavilion for snacks, drinks, entertainment …

U and Me

There are times when everything seems so dark and dull. It seems as if there is going to be nothing more to look forward to. The path that I am treading seems to suddenly fall off into a deep valley, where no light seems to reach. I reach the ends of despair in such state.

My relationship with U seemed to be heading that way. I was so sad when we said goodbye. I was loathe to give up on a beautiful person. As artistic and as colourful and as cluttered and as unique and as individualistic as your lovely home. A genuinely pure soul, mauled by the experiences that came its way, yet fighing all the time in a state of rebellion, head held high, never allowing oneself a moment of rest. I saw so many unshed tears and I wanted to cry. It was my loss and I thought this would never heal.

I returned to Mumbai, thinking all the time, wondering if things could be different from what I was imagining. Could there be something that was un-explored in our relationship? Why do I have to give up just cause things seemed to be at a status quo?

But the fear of rejection was very high. I had been rejected before. But wait a minute, I think it was not that. My overtures were rejected, not me. So what did U reject. It was the challenge, the “I know it all attitude”, the “let me help you” gesture, the push, the knocking that was rejected. So, my head says, what if you change your own mindset on this. Why is it so important that U should shift to my location and not vice-a-versa? Bingo! That’s a ray of hope. Problem is how will I make it happen. I have been generally unsuccessful in conveying concern and care to people.
I decided to wait and watch for an opportunity. It happened when U decided to visit Mumbai and I took a tentative step forward. And then the miracle happened!

U and I broke ice, when you were in Mumbai last time. Its wonderful! We are just happy to see the layers peel off from each other. As I analyze what happened, I realize that the ice broke when I shifted my location. You know, it happened, literally. I wrote to U that I would meet U wherever you were in Mumbai and in my mind a knot came undone. I decided to meet you physically as well as mentally at your location. I stopped showing the mirror and lo n behold, I saw a new U, joyous and free in spirit, embracing life with open arms! Looking at self and enjoying the reflection.
This experience taught me a lot of things. I got my answer to, “why do people not see my concern and care” , “why do they only see my irritation and anger”? I realized, that while I have been gifted with superb sensitivity in being able to sense and see a whole lot of things – for eg. the other person's feelings and moods, what is wrong and what may be the potential of the person etc. - I have been exceptionally lacking in being able to move to his or her location. Empathy is not having the knowledge of the other person’s emotions, rather it's being able to hold the emotions at the same level as that person. I have achieved that in corporate life by just ignoring the highs and the lows, but not in the personal life. As a result, I am always putting people on defensive, challenging them, prodding them. I have been helping and supporting only in one way. I have, in past always said, " come on you can do it, I am here, come on over.... " The image that comes to my mind here is that of a football player who has to hit a goal. I am the goal post and I see the player as a high potential goal scorer. I don't move one bit and tell him what he needs to do. All the time! My challenge is now to learn to be patient and match the pace of the person. I may give a nudge once in a while and challenge a person, if I see that nothing is happening but then, I will be more patient. So far it has given me great returns. The new image that I would like to create is that of two kites swaying to gentle wind and soaring higher in the sky as the wind blows in different directions with varying speeds.

Chief Guest

My life has been a string of new experiences since May 2006! The latest of these thrillers is the launching experience. My first experience as a chief guest! Me, a chief guest? Whatever have I done to deserve this honour? I asked my friend as to what compelled her to invite me to the event and demanded that she give me a justification. In my mind, I was waiting for a long list of good things that would bring to light all my achievements and glorify all my shortcomings. The first cold shower I got was when no list came forth. The answer was simple, “because of your simplicity, because you are who you are a simple soul.” Well, so much for the expecting accolades! I mentally ticked myself off for having strutted around in self-consuming sense of pride. I felt all the hot air making way for humility.

I was then expecting that I would get a formal invitation and details of the venue and the information about the organization. Nothing happened till 20th Jan. 26th Jan was the launch. I was paranoid by then. “Is the programme still on? Am I really invited or have they had a re-think?” My self-worth was on shaky grounds. “Who is the audience, what do I speak? Why can’t people be organized? Let me call them. No, don’t call them.” I found myself constantly mumbling and worrying. Finally, I called my friend and asked her. She re-assured me that, yes the programme was still on, yes, I was invited and no she had not sent any material to me. I put the phone down, when she promised to send me all the info about her institution that day. This was on 21st Jan. And I decided to wait for the mail….

Finally the mail came to me on 25th with details. I read through, not understanding much in terms of the balance sheets. What did touch me were the success stories of the people who had benefited from micro financing. This was about supporting the under-privileged to upgrade their lifestyle, with dignity.

I had little time to prepare my speech and decided to do an ex-tempor speech.

The night of 25th was full of ribbing from my husband. I decided to keep myself busy by getting my costume ready. “Saree or Kurta? What should I wear? What colour?” I had so much going through in my mind. It was 26th Jan, so I expected that people would wear white. I mean, all these social kind of organizations do these things right? National pride and duty etc.! Pride was plenty, frills were not! Finally, since the NGO was one of the modest ones, I settled on a simple gray saree with red border and light make-up with simple jewellery.

The train was delayed and I wondered, whether I would hold up the proceedings like a typical chief guest. Surprisingly, the train made up time and I landed at Malad sharp at 11.00am. I was told that I would be received at malad station and taken to the venue. I dreamt of a committee with flowers, escorting me to a waiting car! Ha! Ha! The joke was on me. The lady who was to receive me was yet to leave for the station!

30 minutes later, I got a beep on my cell and I saw a breathless white kurta rushing up to me. No flowers! No reception committee! No car! We got into an auto and trudged along to the destination. My escort was busy on calls as she seemed to be responsible for many a things. Nevertheless, we chatted a while and I got to know more about the NGO.

Finally, we arrived in a part of Mumbai that was alien to me. The last time I had moved around in Dharavi was 20 years back, when I was working for NSS in college. This was a similar location and an unassuming resort was the chosen venue.

I saw a huge pile of footwear at entrance of a large hall. The audience was sitting cross-legged on the floor. The head table was occupied by four personalities and a speech was on. I looked around bewildered and heaved a sigh of relief when I saw some familiar faces. As I looked around, save for some transgender members, my first reaction was “oh! My God! I am so overdressed and made-up.” I gobbled up my lipstick and made an attempt to tone down my eye shadow. The blush would not go down simply because, it was natural! Thankfully, I was offered tea and I ran from the gathering. I do not know whether I felt parched due to heat or embarrassment.

The earlier session was to launch a book of inspirational songs. So inspired was the team that they ate into the time allotted to my friend and her team. Everybody seemed to be humoring them, so I settled down to enjoy the singing. An hour or so later and beyond schedule, my friend decided to call the shots and requested for her time. However, the typical chief guest who walked in one and a half hours late from his scheduled time, was not in a mood to comply.

As the audience started leaving the hall, we finally saw the session being taken to its conclusion.

A short break and a cup of tea brought the groups back and our session commenced. We heard the inaugural speeches and then our (I was not the only chief guest! There were 3 others) introductions followed by the “Aashayein” song. My introduction was the shortest ever, as my friend repeated exactly what she had said to me while citing the reason for inviting me to be chief guest.

Finally, it was time to launch the new programme designed for the would be facilitators, counselors and trainers of the NGO. The moment was all for a few seconds and then I was asked to take the stage and say something. When I looked at my audience, I forgot everything that I had planned and everything that was suggested by my friend. I ended up telling them, that this is a great platform to get the superbly designed syllabus all under one roof. I hurried to my conclusion making a wish that I would be associated with them in future in a more productive fashion.

I could see the relief on everyone’s face when I called it a day in about 4 minutes. Little did they know that, it was way past my lunchtime and my stomach was empty save the butterflies that I had in them, since last night!

Others on the table kept it brief, thankfully and we called it a day.

The highlight of the day remains to be the yummiest biryani that satiated the hungry group and the plant on my kitchen window sill that came to me as a gift from the NGO.