CrossRoads

At cross roads

I am at cross roads today. One is the chosen path of awareness and self-improvement. The medium is being in here and now, recognizing feelings, coping with the same etc. Second is the reality of here and now. The medium is logical thinking, unacknowledged feelings, coping with suppressed emotions etc.

Where forth shall you go, milady?

Time and again I have faced questions, had options and made choices. But today I feel really tired. Tired of carrying with me the unacknowledged feelings, tired of pushing the envelope, tired of making choices, tired of taking the first step…

Which path shall I choose?

Over a cup of tea

कूछ बातें ऐसी ही ....

Responsibility, Commitment, Attachment.

What is about expectations and these words that is alive in me for last 24 hours?
It’s my expectation that one should at least be responsible enough to call in and keep the loved ones informed that one is going to be late. In age of superfast tech savvy gen next this is not very difficult. But then, who am I to make such demands? To each his own! Ha!ha! Ain’t that easier said than done?!

Hmm… thinking it over, this action or inaction has nothing to tech support. It is about being aware or having that sense.

But as I explore deeper within self, I realize that it is my need to adhere to stereotypes in a relationship and expect the same actions that I perform. The stereotype of returning home at a certain time, the stereotype of keeping someone informed when I am late, the stereotype of husband and wife. Its my need to get rid of my worry and anxiety. The expectation that family should dine together once a day, is completely baseless. Why? What if it does not? Those upholding the value system are going to give me long list of things on why family should dine together etc. and they may be right about it all. Fact is that it’s my need for company and complete displeasure of eating alone.

Evolution and change is not limited to physical looks alone, I guess. Man (and woman, too!) would certainly think and develop different values from that of the previous generation. So, here I am, on a see-saw, trying to understand and to seek meaning (with zero success) in something that’s different from my expectations. Yet, unable to let go of the expectations and just accept things for what they are.

At the same time, I am quiet thankful that I still have my sanity and not being a complete stereotype of a wife. A chance remark by my brother has left me thinking about the expectations from husband-wife relationship. He said to me utterly frustrated the other day, “G, this marriage business is too taxing yaar! Since the wedding, I find myself shouldering umpteen responsibilities. I am quiet ok with most but am totally lost and weighed down by the responsibility of keeping my wife entertained.” I can understand why and know for a fact that his frustration is shared by at least 90% of my male friends. Their wives seem to have lost all personal agendas post marriage, so much so there are no personal friends, no independent plans, no girls’ night out. May be a routine job or sometimes not even that. Heaven help! This is one stereotype that I can do without.

Interesting the twists and turns of life. The Hide and seek of expectations being fulfilled and not.

कुछ दिल ने कहा
कुछ भी नाही
कुछ दिल ने सुना
कुछ भी नाही

Water Locked or..???

Nowadays I feel more restless than ever. I feel like this fort, locked yet not! Holding many things inside and dealing with increased awareness. Yet free and enthusiastic, looking out at the vast ocean and raring to conquer new horizons!

The increased awareness brings both joy and pain. The joy of knowing and being myself! The pain of being helpless at times .. helpless as those around me find it difficult to adjust to the change in me. Its happened gradually for me and yet its too fast for them. And it all boils down to "all this thing you are doing with behavioural science" .. :)

Anyone find that comment ringing a bell?

A matter of choice

Whether to fly or to fall ? Many a people who saw this photo exclaimed " Wow! what a fall?" . I was perplexed, as in my mind it was never about the fall. Instead , i found myself thinking "Wow! what a platform to take off and fly" . But the reactions got me thinking. I questioned myself, why did I not think about the fall? Is it because, I am rejecting the possibility of a fall? If yes, what is the reason for rejection. I realized that , its the negativity of the word fall... Bingo! Has to be just that....

Wait a minute, it cannot be negative, if people say wow! to the fall. I started looking at the word in a new light. That's when I remebered the "Autobiography of a Pearl-Diver" from my 4th standard rapid reading. He would fall from the highest possible point to reach the deepest parts of the ocean. many such falls and dives later he would return with the pearls! Suddenly the photograph had a new meaning for me....

Aha! said my ego... see I can look at both aspects... atta girl, you intelligent soul... you have got it all figured out...

And then my brains decided to throw a googly... so you want to take the plunge and fall deeper into the pit and hope to get some pearls... what about the flight that would take you to beyond the horizon, into new skies....

Brings me back to the same question -- to fly or not to fly...... :)